Aman's Blog....

 I started writing this post in the night. For some, what I say or do is just a play/drama/tantrum. But I am sure, some must be wondering too that why just so many posts? Don't I have any real work to do? Well, yeah, I don't have. And I have nothing else to do right now, I can't go out thanks to this pandemic and I couldn't sleep(it was 2AM) either so what is it that I can do except sitting and writing? I used to do a lot of writing. But after 2011, a lot of change did come in me. May be will mention some of it some other time but yeah, it did happen for sure. That's the reason I stopped or I did write here and there but it didn't continue. I am trying now that I stay put.  So I am having a cup of coffee right now and finally thought to finish this post, with a hot pad on the foot. It seems that I have twisted it while cleaning the verandah. It was raining and I wanted to wipe it when the rain stopped. Left hand was already messed up and now foot has joined too....

I just came to know that today, another neighbor succumbed due to this pandemic. Few days ago, another one, right behind my place, recovered first, later had developed some issue in his lungs, passed away. This marks 9 deaths so far, with 3 in the series of homes next to where I am.  Heard that  UK has found more coronavirus cases with 'concerning' mutations . Today, in a different city in the state, in a school of young kids, as much as 15 kids and few teachers came out to be infected and the school had to shut down. Not sure what to say. Mind just goes numb hearing all these news. That's all!  Today's news just brought the memory of few months ago. I wrote about one of my neighbors  who also didn't survive. Later  his last ritual ceremony was there  which I didn't attend cos of so much rush. It's still difficult to fathom that he is no more and the effing tale of these bad times is still going on. Few days ago, I was called by above-mentioned neighbo...

I called a friend today since I saw him standing with some cops couple of days ago in front of his house. I wanted to know if everything is okay. Turned out,  some hot exchange happened between a group of his workers off the factory and that got escalated. Anyway, I just was thinking about another common friend of us who left for overseas almost 10 years ago. I am not sure why, one day before, I spoke with him. Next day, I saw his update that he has finally seen the "best morning of his life". I knew that he had a case going on immigration but I couldn't understand why he didn't tell me, that too a day before his departure. Not only that, from that day onwards, he stopped communicating. And here we are talking of the people who joined their high school together. For almost everything, I was there. Anyways, after few of my messages, I stopped sending him any messages too. This guy, with whom I spoke with today, is in regular contact with him. Why the overseas friend ke...

Some time, due to a lot of  things/happenings of your past, you change. At times, for good and some time, for not being so good. You don't even realize that you are changing or have changed. It's only when you are pointed, poked or made to see, you realize that it has happened. May be previously, you could do something in jiffy but after a while, the same activity takes time. May be before, you would say something and don't care/bother about its implications/impacts on others but later, you realize how bad it was for you to say. You don't realize  your change. Even if it's not apparent to you, it's impactful on others. What you have made yourself may bring pain/tears/sorrows/frustration and worse, a sense of despair to others, to those whom you don't want to see in that manner. Even if you don't want that, wished that, intended that but you see it happen. You know you didn't mean to do any of that, but it still happens.  Words spoken, impact. But wor...

Some time, you are just stuck in thinking. Not that it helps, not that it does any good. But still. Don't know, not getting the thoughts across. 

 At times, you come across some words/verses/poetry that just is so close to you what you want to say/feel. Like I said before, gestures/subtleties, they have their own value and worth. Just cos someone says, something and someone doesn't or loud enough, it doesn't make his/her affection/care/love/pain/anger any less. Depicting the same sentiment, I came across some beautiful lines penned by Abbas Qamar.  Here are the lines in Hindi/Urdu first.  Ashqon ko aarju-e-rihai hai, royie! Aankhon ki ab isi mein bhalai hai, roiye! Rona madavaa-e-ghume duniya, nahin  to kya, Kam se kam ehtejaj-e-khudia hai, roiye! Tasleem kar liya hai jo khud ko charaag-e-haq,  Dunia kadam kadam pe sabai hai, roiye! Khush hain toh phir musafir-e-dunia nahin hain aap, Is dasht mein sirf aabla-pai hai, roiye. Hum hain aseer-e-zabt, izazat nahin humein, Ro paa rahe hain aap, badhai hai, roiye! And it's translation in English,  Tears have a desire to be set free, cry! That's what is the ...

Imagine, you are a young kid. It's Diwali and you are at home. You, like all the kids of your age, want to play with crackers, have sweets. But you see something and you become quiet. You distract your sibling and you just start doing something else. Imagine that you are standing outside a shop, watching behind the glass window, a toy car. You know you want one, you really want one. You open your mouth to say that and then, you just go quiet. You buy an actual car, but still, the pain of not been able to get that car, not even for a moment, still remains with you. Imagine, that one fine night, you are in your room, at a hotel. You have just finished your day work, had dinner and now, you are playing music on your laptop. And next day, you are on a flight, for a journey that you don't want to end. You don't want to go to that very place where you are ready to go all the time. You are told not to cry and you pledge you won't. At least, not in front of anyone. You learn to...

 It's not going well today. I have been in a very bad mood since morning. Though I have been angry from last few days, but  right now, I am just so furious. Even though I have just heard that it's a usual affair of mine to be and remain angry, I still shall say, I really am so angry right now.   I won't mention the first reason here. For the second, I got this today.  It's an email sent to me by my 2nd instructor, who taught me Oracle long back when I  joined(and later taught there as well) an institute. It was the most exclusive institute in the entire state and people still take it's name with a LOT of respect. I was the first and the only student over there who was offered job and who later joined as full time faculty. And it was a matter of great pride as there were queues of people always to join there but the team didn't hire just like that. I am not sure what they saw in me but I shall always be thankful and humbled that they offered me that job, eve...

Some time, you are just lost in thoughts. Thoughts, which keep you awake. In thoughts, at times, you try to answer some questions. One such question that's asked often is, how do you know one cares, or have feelings, or is in love? Good question and it's valid to ask it as well. Many times, what's said is more valuable than what's done or what's shown. So the question is not the one that can be overlooked. But when this question is asked, it's not that easy to answer. If one says, he/she really needs to see whether someone is into the relationship, how do you answer that? Or even more, can you answer that?   A lot of time, people say, actions speak louder than words/gestures. True. Actions do speak louder than words or gestures. But then, where does words or gestures stand? Nowhere? May be. Gestures are those subtle expressions which don't have any voice nor do they shout for attention. They are just there, to be noticed. to be understood. You have a present...

Today, I am really being crazy. It's my 3rd post in one single day, never I had written three posts in one day. I am writing this again from my phone and sitting in my car at midnight. If you are a regular here, from last few years, I had not written in months as well. Anyways, enough of the praise, it's not that I had been accolades anyways.  I was at the bridge and was taking a walk on the highway(another first). Like I said, I am not really in my senses so I just took a very impromptu decision and that was drive to Chandigarh. Since I didn't want to visit anyone nor I did want to make anyone aware that I was there. So I decided that I shall go to Elante mall. I had been there before couple of times but this time, I was very late to reach there. I knew how I was looking and though I wasn't worried that whether I shall be allowed to enter or not but I was curious to see reaction of the security and the visitors. Why? Cos I am looking like a jombie. Clothes still are ok...

 Hey there, two posts in a single day, I am on a roll, isn't it? I am sitting here at this bridge. Yeah, again. And it's a canal. Funny like a lot of things, I didn't know that before. Yeah yeah, I know I know, I didn't care. Beat me. I am just really really angry right now. So much that I am not sure that what should I say even? And what's making me even more angry is saying/showing the anger is considered mocking. If you say hey, I am finding this wrong and you are told, well, if you think it's wrong then so be it. Not sure how it should be perceived. You hear something that's probably okay in a casual, fun talk at one fine day, but probably not at some other time. Just because you think it's okay cos you say that, doesn't make it a better hearing for the others at all the times. Just cos you have this that I say this all the time, doesn't make it right to say all the time. I don't believe in saying that look I did this for you/him/her/anyo...

I was not able to sleep and was just laying in bed thinking some thing else. But then, something completely different  did come up and my train of thoughts changed direction So what you do at 430am? Well you start quibbling  your random rambling,what else? And yeah keeping the tradition, typing this post also from the phone. Yeah I know, yet again. Why? Cos I am in bed and I didn't plan for this post. And I am a lazy bum. As I said in the last post, not everyone  says  a lot. And I am definitely one of those who don't say much. Nothing to be proud about but it's what may be introverts or people who haven't had a habit of doing so from the starting, do. Reasons could be whatever but you end up being like more quiet in things in which others are more prominently vocal . And definitely better than you probably ever will be.  But hold on for a moment.  So if you don't say much, where does it makes you stand or how it makes you appear? If you are angry/hurt, you...

Yet again, writing from the phone. Let's see how it goes.  I am sitting along the side of a lake which is about 25kms away from my place. I am here since morning or may be afternoon. I can't really recall when I did come here. It's one of the most calm places that I have around. I haven't been here in a long time, thanks to the lockdown. Today, I didn't really get to think where should I go cos I was (read am) in a very bad mood. Not the kind of angry that I usually be but today, yeah think about that the parameters for the anger management were not working at all. I decided to go to a friend's place, got a comment about it, hearing which I rejected that idea, came to this place and been sitting here ever since.  This place was very nice but now, when I came here today, it's a mess. A lot of construction of the flyovers etc. is going on and it has just ruined the entire beauty. Thankfully, the lake is still there and so is an old bridge. I used to sit on the...

*Rambling* At this moment when I started writing this post,it's 245AM. It's way past anyone's sleep time and yet here, I am sitting in front of the screen and staring at it. I just made myself a cup of Black coffee and to make matters worse, I am so much angry. Soo goodbye sleep, wherever you were already, stay there.  I just posted a  status- Crappy Writer's Dilemma. And what I mean by that was, when you are not good with words( and PJ's), you hit a roadblock. You have a lot in mind but you don't know where to start, what to write and heck, whether you even should? And right now, I am having all the three thoughts in my mind. If you are seeing a trend, yeah you are right, not a good start of the month/year. On a positive note, got to know an alternate career option. Who knows, may be some day? Let's finish the coffee in the meantime.  */Rambling*

If you have been here, you must be aware that when I am extremely upset or sad,I would come down to a park that's nearby to my place. It's been couple of months since I had come here. But here I am again. That doesn't mean that I hadn't been upset in all this time but I hadn't come here or rather couldn't come, due to my travels. But now since the travels are not happening, sitting alone and getting pissed off just didn't work. So I am back to the park. Just been told that why I am sitting here like a senior citizen? Cos I don't have anything else to do right now. Why I am upset? Or better, on whom I am upset with? I am upset with myself. And on an ASCII code number. Yeah nerdy shit but what else you would expect from a nerd? Which ASCII number? 114. So now, go figure, I really don't have much thoughts going on right now since I am too furious. And typing on this damn phone is not helping either. So I shall stop here.

 I did want to write this blog few days ago but one thing or the other came up and it just got delayed. If you have been a regular here, you should have known that one of my neighbors scummed to this bloody pandemic. His entire family was infected. That’s why no one didn’t visited the family. There is a ritual here that prayers are done for the departed soul for 13 days. I did want to go and attend but again, I didn’t. But within this time period of 13 days, I did meet elders of the family who were sitting outside the house. I didn’t sit for long, may be for 5 minutes. But it was still just so painful. At such moments, there is nothing that one can say which will ease the pain. It’s not that one has lost an object or vehicle or a gadget or an ornament. It’s a life that we are talking about that’s now gone, for forever. Anything said won’t change that fact. But it’s important to go and that’s why I went there. Did come back, took shower, changed clothes and then just sat thinking ...

 Some days are just not good. Today is just one such day. A cursed day. Today morning I got the news of a person in my neighborhood who was infected and had been undergoing treatment from last few days. But despite that he was tested negative, he went into coma and it seems, he couldn’t recover from it. Today morning, when I stepped out to buy some fruits, I got this terrible news. I am not just sad – am shattered. Hearing this was like getting hit by a god damn effing truck. It’s said that time flies. I still remember I was a kid and was playing in the park outside my home. This neighbor’s house was getting constructed at that time. I clearly remember that day when they carved some words in the front of the house. They renovated later and changed that design altogether.  Most of the place was empty at that time with just a handful of houses constructed. Then his son was born who unfortunately, wasn’t mentally very strong. Then two daughters who grew up with me. Finally, h...

 It's not the best of the times for all of us. I did plan that I shall be more active on my blog since the lockdown started. But I couldn't. Honestly, I am embarrassed over myself  as I must have planned and said the same thing now for at least a few times. But in the hindsight, it's okay that I couldn't because there is just so much tension, worry and chaos all around us. It's just not easy to focus your mind and write something.  So why now dude? What has changed now? Not really anything, honestly except that right now, venting out your thoughts is the best thing to do. So what's the best thing to start with-well, a song! I haven't listened to many songs in this time period. There hasn't been many good songs too that has been released. Until few days ago.  Diljit Dosanjh  is among those performers who has been active from a long time. Not only he has sung some really good numbers but also, he has acted in movies and his acting skills are also very good...

It's 2AM right now when I have started writing this post. Unless you live on Mars or have been living under a rock from last few weeks, you must be knowing that we, the entire world-right now is suffering. Entire humanity is hurt, scared and worried, thanks to this new novel-coronavirus-2019 . We, here in India are now in a lock down of 21 days(so far) and many other countries either has announced similar lock downs or they probably will do so soon. I didn't imagine that I shall write a blog post being so gloomy, worried and if I speak truly, scared. I know we all are scared. Life as we knew of, few days ago is no longer there. Will we ever get that same life back? Right now, the answer is not there for this question. The quest right now is to stay safe and most importantly stay inside our homes. For how long? I am not sure. Probably no one does. Ironically that's all what most of the world was always wishing for wasn't it? Every one, at least whom I used to talk abo...

It's a common thing to hear-hey you are a man, suck it up! Hey you are a man, you got to be strong-for you, for others. Hey you are a man so it's just pretty much decided that you can't cry. Why, well you just can't cos that's how the society works. In this society/world/time, if you are a woman and you cry, it's okay cos women feel, women have emotions, women are sensitive. But for a man, tears are the signs of being weak, loser or worse, tears of a guy are just labelled as fake. If you are a guy and you are spotted crying, among any of these mentioned acronyms you may hear and that's how the society goes. Or so it's said. But is it? Can't one be a manly-man, an alpha male and yet can cry? Or doing so makes him less of a man? I don't know. But I posted this on a website couple of years ago. You can't read it there since it's marked as private by me but I saw something today that I reminded me of this stigma related to men again. ...