You Wish....

Some time, due to a lot of  things/happenings of your past, you change. At times, for good and some time, for not being so good. You don't even realize that you are changing or have changed. It's only when you are pointed, poked or made to see, you realize that it has happened. May be previously, you could do something in jiffy but after a while, the same activity takes time. May be before, you would say something and don't care/bother about its implications/impacts on others but later, you realize how bad it was for you to say. You don't realize  your change. Even if it's not apparent to you, it's impactful on others. What you have made yourself may bring pain/tears/sorrows/frustration and worse, a sense of despair to others, to those whom you don't want to see in that manner. Even if you don't want that, wished that, intended that but you see it happen. You know you didn't mean to do any of that, but it still happens. 

Words spoken, impact. But words not spoken or spoken with reluctance, portray an entirely different picture. But that doesn't mean that the reluctance was due to the lack of empathy or due to that you don't have respect for others, consider them as a joke, or to ridicule what they say or show. At times, it's due to a lot of other things which you don't speak about often or things which you know are your own problems. But does that makes your actions/words justified? No. Does it help in any way? No, on the contrary, it brings the feel of despair to others cos you not just failed yourself, but you failed others too. You may have a point or two, but however logical or valid, they may be, it doesn't really do any good. At times, you are presented with situations where you say something with a different intent but it turns out to be completely opposite. And it's not on others, the fault lies in your own words(and actions), and may be also on a lot of other things around you. Does that help? No. Is it any meaningful justification? Probably not. But does that mean that what all you say is to undermine your supremacy and to show that your right? No, it's not. There is no win and lose tussle when it's not the world . You be angry, others be angry, words exchange and yet, there is nothing like a winner or a loser. But if you are angry, it's not to show a tantrum or a play. You are frustrated and angry on circumstances, and above all, on your own shortcomings, your (read wrong)doings and of your own faults.  And at times, you show that anger a little too much unnecessarily, which shows the others that it's them who are made to feel worse/guilty by you. And worse, your anger wasn't even justified too cos you overlooked your own wrong doings before being so. But even then, you didn't mean to hurt, you didn't mean disrespect ,anything of that sort of,  but whether you like it or not, that's all what you did with your useless, meaningless stuff and worse, display of it. You feeling terrible, apologetic, whatever for your acts, words and above all, to bring pain, is not also of any good. You know that you didn't mean to cause pain. And yet, any justifications/words/excuses of yours doesn't make anything better or logical or valid cos it's just not. It's simply not. Eyes go wet but it's right, it's not of any importance, cos when you don't do something, wet or not, they mean nothing or as good as saying water is wet, a baseless statement which has no relevance whatsoever. And the reason lies solely with just you cos you didn't do a lot of stuff, and what you did even, wasn't done the right or proper way. You failed in more ways than you could even possibly realize or see. 

It's not about being or portraying being a victim. It's not about garnering any sympathy. There can't be any such thing. It's an anger on oneself. Heck, even these words sound so hollow. Fact is that you know you are not (and it gets shown/proven time and time again), but you do sincerely wish , you were a better person. You really do.