Monday, February 17, 2020

Why Men Can't Cry....

It's a common thing to hear-hey you are a man, suck it up! Hey you are a man, you got to be strong-for you, for others. Hey you are a man so it's just pretty much decided that you can't cry. Why, well you just can't cos that's how the society works. In this society/world/time, if you are a woman and you cry, it's okay cos women feel, women have emotions, women are sensitive. But for a man, tears are the signs of being weak, loser or worse, tears of a guy are just labelled as fake. If you are a guy and you are spotted crying, among any of these mentioned acronyms you may hear and that's how the society goes. Or so it's said.


But is it? Can't one be a manly-man, an alpha male and yet can cry? Or doing so makes him less of a man?

I don't know.

But I posted this on a website couple of years ago. You can't read it there since it's marked as private by me but I saw something today that I reminded me of this stigma related to men again. And that's why I decided to post my reply here. If anyone will think that this dude has just made all this , feel free to commend and I shall email you the link of my posted (and hidden) reply. 



It takes a lot to make a man cry. It takes even more to hide those tears. Some times, all what a guy is want to do (and does) is to sit in a corner of his room , fold his legs so that he can hide his face in knees and cry-silentely. Some time, we hide our tears to portray that "strong hearted" feeling for those who rely upon us. We must not cry cos if we would, there won't be anyone who can console those loved ones.
In 2011, it was still few days to Diwali and I was at Banglore. I spoke with my dad and mom in the evening at 6pm while taking a walk and came back to my hotel . At 11pm, my mom called . She was crying so much, screaming over the phone,"Papa is no more! Your daddy is no more!" . I couldn't believe what I was hearing. You know , it's very different to go to a funeral and tell to someone , have courage. It's not not so easy when it happens in one's own family. I just asked my mom to put the phone down and called two of my friends. I knew that dad must have got cardiac arrest cos he was perfectly fine health wise. My friends came to home immediately and and took my dad to hospital. That 45 minute time period was something in which I dont know how many things I had thought. I have seen so much in life but I never had imagined that I shall see this day and that just when I am 30. I was just holding my mobile so so close to my chest and I was praying so hard that I won't get to hear that my dad is no more . But I had to. My friend called me and told that doctor has told that my dad has passed away even before he could be brought to hospital. I was standing on the settee which I had in my hotel room. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so loudly but you know, there were no tears. I called my manager cos I was working. He is not just a manager but a very good friend. When I called him and told him , I just broke down. I was jus crying and saying and to him over the phone,"papa chale gaye, main ab kya karunga. papa chale gaye!(Papa has gone, what will I do now. Papa has gone)" .And he couldn't say anything. No one can. I booked the car and came out from the hotel and started for the airport. I had my flight from Banglore-Mumbai-Chandigarh and then I had to take a cab from Chandigarh.

While I was in the car, I got a call from a relative. He said, " your mom is just inconsolable . I know it'shard but you don't cry when you are in front of them. There is no one left for them except you" . I said, I promise I won't cry in front of them. From that time, till the airport, I was talking to my mom all the time. My friends had told to my mom that dad is still admitted cos my mom is a heart patient. Every time she would tell me, Son come home soon and go to the hospital ,your dad is alone there. And I was just telling her this damn lie again and again, yes maa, dad is fine. I am going to get him back and I would cut the phone cos I didn't want her to hear me crying. I would again call after few minutes, tell her that there is some network issue. And I kept on doing this till I didn't catch the flight. When I reached Chandigarh, I got a cab and when I entered in the cab, I got call form my friend who took dad to hospital that they have told to mom now and she has gone berserk. Come soon , as soon as you can and we have to bring your dad's body too from the hospital. I just put the phone down and driver asked me what happened sir. I just broke down and said my dad is no more. He tried to console me and for the first time, in so many years of traveling, I was just wishing that this travel of 1.5 hours won't end. But it had to and when I reached home, first thing that happened that my friend hugged me so tight. I didn't say anything and just hugged him back , entered in the living room and my mom was just crying so much. I told her, don't cry, I am here ! And I don't know you would believe me or not, I didn't cry . I didn't shed a tear. I had to go to the hospital to collect my dad's body. I just huggged him so tightly and trust me-I wished so hard for a miracle that he would get up and hug me back. When I had to perform the last rituals of my dad, one teacher came of mine and hugged me and said, don't worry, everything will be fine. I just could say, I am so unfortunate-I can't even cry too! And I didn't cry, I didn't , even for a moment.

It's been 4 years and I don't talk about my dad with anyone- I don't say a single word. I have heard some people saying behind my back and some even to me right on my face that I am a stone-hearted person. That my dad's death has not even effected me. But you know what-I cry every single time I see any father being with his son! I was at a function where I jsut sat in a corner.I saw a gentleman who called the waiter and got for him and for his son two cups of tea. I had tears flowing down my eyes and I just wiped them. He would always come and drop me to the station. For the first time, when I boarded the train all alone, wihtout being able to touch his feet and gettig a tight hug from him, only I know how I felt and I feel just the same in every single time. I won't ever hear him calling my name again. He would call me "Yaar" (Buddy) , My ears yearn to hear it just one more time but it would never happen , even if I am ready to give anything in return. I had wished that I shall take my dad and mom to a five star hotel cos they never had beento one at Diwali. I would never be able to do that now and you know what, it hurts me every single day of my life. After two years of his death, I got the two books which I authored delivered to my home. When he was alive , I finished one but it never did arrive cos of logistic issues. My dad told to every single friend of his that my son authored a book and how proud he was. But I won't ever see him holding those books in his hands. He worked all his life so hard and never did own a car. Now, when I have one, I never would be able to see him sitting beside me. And no one, no one knows how much it pains me , how so very much it pains me every single day and will hurt me till the time I shall be alive. That feeling that I don't have my dad now with me to do all this and many such more things, big or small, they make me cry just every single day but I try my best that no one would see my tears. I promised I won't ever cry in front of my mom and sis and that god is my witness-I haven't. I haven't cried not even once in front of them and as a matter of fact, in front of anyone. Don't I miss my dad? I wish I could find words to tell how much but I don't know any. I wish I can tell how cursed I feel! Those people who said all that, they don't even have an iota of the idea about the pain and also ofthis that how it feels when you want to cry so much but you can't cos you know , all are looking upon you as a symbol of strength. But that burden of being strong or appearing strong is just too much to carry.

About girls, you know what-if you ever see a guy crying for a girl, go and tell her that no one and I mean it-NO ONE in this whole world wouldlove her more than that guy ever! But if one day, you find him crying sitting in his room with music playing on full volume and him siting with his face hidden in his hands and crying without making any sound, please do believe that he is just shattered -completely. Tears wont even come close to express the pain , believe me.

We guys are not stone hearted. We have the heart and we also have emotions, feelings -just like women. But we are supposed to stay strong-for that woman , for our family-whom we love and care so much and many times and doing that-we learn how to hide our tears from being seen. You may not see a guy crying but if you do spot one, don't just walk away thinking that he is a guy, he would be fine or worse, make a fun of him that how can a guy cry. You may never know, something somewhere so deep must have hurt him either in love or in life or if he is really unfortunate, at both fronts and he has wounds over his heart and soul which won't ever heal and those tears are the reminiscences of those endless pains.

There is a lot that I can and want to say but now, I have these damn eyes filled with the effing tears-yet again.

So what made me bring it out? These.
 I am not going to say that crying of girls is right/wrong/overrated/underrated/whatever. I shall just say this-happiness, sadness, smiles, cries etc. etc. are just emotions and are not copyrighted by any gender whatsoever. If one feels an emotion and it shows on your face, it makes you nothing but an emotional person-whether you are a guy or a girl, it's immaterial. It's a depiction of that emotion and labeling it as a sign of weakness for one gender is just as cruel to do for that gender as it's to make someone cry.

Sunday, September 29, 2019

Boring Sunday & Injured….

I am currently sitting in my hotel’s room. It’s Sunday on the verge of its end and that’s the only day that I got in this week as free. I was working yesterday. Of course, it’s just not a good feeling to work on a Saturday morning. But you have to do what you have to do. And since it wasn’t just me but the participants as well were with me, so just me complaining doesn’t sound right. Good thing is that work did go well and the session got concluded on a good note.

I didn’t do anything really adventerous today. I was expecting a work related call in the morning so I did wake up early(despite that it was Sunday) but that call didn’t happen today. I kind of expected that but then, I didn’t want that I am just sleeping and will miss the call. So I was ready for the call at the scheduled time. After I didn’t see any notification for it, I decided to have breakfast, which was downstairs in the hotel’s restaurant. After finishing with it, I came back to my room and did prepare for tomorrow’s session. It’s going to be a tough session and it’s a rerun session. In simple terms, a rerun session is an already messed up session and now it has come to my lap. Of course, it’s not going to be easy but I shall try my best and for this reason, I did spend almost 4 hours to prepare for tomorrow. After that, I was so tired so I decided to have a cup of coffee and grab something to eat. I did eat a quick snack at a nearby place and had coffee from an adjoining cafe. Both snack and coffee were just okay. After that it was back to the room. I did do a re-read of some stuff again before having dinner. Now, dinner is done and I am back in my room. Let’s see how tomorrow’s session will go.

Though it’s session which I am really concerned about but there is one more thing that is really bugging me and that’s my neck. I am not sure how but I have hurt my neck-rear side of it. I am currently having a towel wrapped around my neck after I had applied an ointment over it. I went to a nearby pharmacy and the person over there did give me a muscle relaxant. I picked up a calcitonin nasal spray as well. Let’s see if the medicine does its work or not. I am just being so mad right now cos it’s just one thing after the other that comes and hits me and the trend doesn’t seem to end.
It’s time to swtich off the machine. Praying and  waiting to see that Monday will be kind. Let’s see.

Friday, September 20, 2019

Done With The Session And Feeling Like Zombie….

I am right now sitting at the same dreaded airport of Banglore. I have finished my work here. Though the session otherwise did go well but I did see a similar thing happen that occured last week as well. And just like the last week, I am absolutely pissed off right now. I just don’t understand that some time, people have what kind of demands set in their minds when they come to attend a training session? It’s a training session and there is a reason it’s called ‘training’ and not ‘real world’ or ‘production experience’ or whatever the heck jargons people throw to show that they are doing some reall smart arse work which we, mere mortal instructors, are not aware of. So just like last week, two people did mention that they were unsure about couple of things that I said. Well, it did seem like that out of 16, 14 did see very well what I said, how I said and it was on point but just two failed to do so for some reason or reasons betters known to them only. But it just didn’t synch with me. Yes, I am doing this work from a very very long time and I must not be too worried. But that’s just not me and my nature is. Such things do impact me;for however small duration it may be. Anyways, thanks to all who did come for the session and  I do hope that it was productive and useful. Few did take pictures with me and that’s always very humbling for me. That’s the kind of moments which keep me pumped up and letting me continue do what I do and love to do, despite the hiccups that I did see in these two weeks.

Other than this, things were okay. I do have stiff back and hip which  am trying to get sorted out. But I need to get back and do something about it. I did apply an ointment and it did something but I am not sure that I am still hundred percent.

Flight is going to be in another 2 hours and I just had a coffee and a slice of cake. I have been traveling now for almost 7 weeks straight and I must say, it’s taking a little toll over me. I am feeling like a jombie right now. And with the whole night travel ahead, by the time morning comes, probably I shall turn into a full fledged zombie. May be another cup of coffee will help!

Friday, September 13, 2019

Well, Hello there-Again….

It’s been a long time since I have posted anything. Actually, it’s been years I believe. And if you are going to ask that why did I stop, truly speaking-I don’t know. I just did. Anyways, here I am starting again and hopefully, I shall be not stopping this time. At least, not any time soon. Fingers crossed!

And probably, like a crude joke, I am starting to write again on  a day which I hate so much thanks to the worst memory associated with and like a bad joke over me, I am at that very place which is very much a part of that  memory. Something that always gives me shivers and haunts whenever I think about it. And I do think about it every single time, especially when I step-in at this place.

Some time, on a particular day, just about everything,  probably the whole day turns out to be a series of unhappy moments, and start hitting you one after the other. For me, today was just that day; starting from the commute from my guest house to the venue.

I took an auto rickshaw (tuk-tuk) which is probably a very safe ride. But just like that, out of all the days, today my auto-rickshaw got hit from the rear side by a car. Luckily, we were halting on  a signal. So all what happened that driver and I both were pushed to the front of the auto-rickshaw and he crashed with the front glass and I hit the safety railing that’s in front of the seat. Luckily, besides getting a feeling like someone punched on the sternum with a baseball bat, I was otherwise okay. Driver of the car was talking over the phone and couldn’t stop his car on time. There was no use to argue with him since the only thing that happens in such a case is that the other person apologizes hundres of times which serves no purpose whatsover. So that’s how the day started.

You probably must be wondering what’s so wrong with the day about which I am cribbing about so much. And the answer of this is that today was my father’s shradth. For those who don’t know what it means, it’s a day in Hindu mythology when you offer prayers for your parent(s) who have passed away. For me, for my dad, it was today. And to make matter even worse, I am in the same damn city where I got the news of his death. Not sure what can I say more but it’s just not the series of co-incidents that I would had liked to happen at all. Since I am traveling, I woke up early and went to a temple near by my guesthouse, told the priest over there and he gladly performed the prayers for me. I couldn’t do much but whatever little I could do, I did. So yeah, that’s how my day started.

I did think that over the work front, things would be fine but probably, like always- I assumed a little too early.

Usually I don’t crib about my work since almost all the time, I put all what I have in my work and I love what I do. It’s stressful beyond words and takes a lot of skills, on both technical and personal aspects to pull the things off successfully. And I don’t leave anything inside me when it comes to work-come what may. And despite all the thoughts in my mind, I did finish my work today also with giving all what I had to give for it. Yes, I was probably visibly off and it was even pointed by one of my friends who was an attendee in this session. Probably I couldn't conceal my inner turmoils like I am able to often cos I was asked why I looked so lost today! Anyways, I did finish the work but probably the worst thing for me on the work-front today was that two of the participants gave the worst rating in the evaluation scores. Now, I don’t really need to worry too much about them since 13 more added an excellent rating with really good comments as well. But me being me, their act just filled me with so much of bitterness and I am just not able to swallow it. I won’t go and say that I am the best in my work but I shall definitely say this, what I do and how I do it, I am not someone who can be rated with the most negative ratings available in the score sheet. And if one is giving me such rating, I have to know the reason for that as well since in the same session, 13 more people were really very appreciative about my work and about me. That was probably the last blow for me the day and yes, I must say it did hurt more than that damn sternum hit of the morning. I do have an idea who did that but then again, neither I could ask them upfront about it nor such questioning would have served any purpose since it’s already on-record now. I just have to suck it up and move on.

I did reach here at the airport and had a cup of black coffee. I wanted to sit down at the lounge but the access will be given after half an hour(I reached very early before my scheduled departure time). So I am right now sitting at this coffee shop PuroGusto and waiting for the lounge to be available for me. It will be long wait to board my flight, which is  scheduled to departure  in about 3.5 hours from now. Most of the times, I am not much thoughtful about the waiting periods at the airports but today, it’s certainly not helping to be at a place( airport or anywhere as a matter of the fact) which is engraved in the mind with the worst memories of my life. I am not sure what I can mention about what I am going through right now. It’s just like it happened just the other day when I reached at this very airport at 2AM with tears in my eyes and started for a very long travel back to home. I don’t really mention about that day often but when you are sitting at the very same place, it’s just inevitable to block those haunting memories. The only solace is that I shall be at home;though not for long. But whatever little time it may be, it’s invaluable.

Tuesday, August 02, 2016

A Really Soulful Song-Yadaan By Benny Dhaliwal….

It’s been a while since I have mentioned any song. I have few that I would translate and post, hopefully soon. But today, one song has made me post its translation cos not only the song’s lyrics are so deep and touching but even the video of the same, is just so emotional.

The song’s title is Yadaan and is sung by the singer, Benny Dhaliwal. TBH, I don’t really like his songs much as  most of his songs are most appropriate for getting played in clubs. Music or I should say, lots of beats, in his songs take precedence over the lyrics and even lyrics are, at the best just okay. But in this song-Yadaan, almost everything has been right on the mark. And the first and foremost highlight are the lyrics of this song. RipJeet is the lyricist of this song. Music of this song is given by Beat Minister. Benny has sung this song with lots of emotions embedded in his voice. The video, I believe, is picturised as a childhood story of Benny which I am not sure whether is true or not. But nonetheless, when you are going to watch the video and hear the song playing along with it, it’s inevitable that you won’t have tears in yours eyes.

Here is the official video of the song. It’s dedicated to a later British-Indian wrestler Jeet Singh Chatha.

The song is in Punjabi. Here are the lyrics of the same in Punjabi first,

Haye kade na rukiyan eh jandian lehran,
Dhall hi gayian ethe sikhar dopehran!
Patjhad agge godde tek te baagan!
Tur jana jindriye chhadd ke yaadan!

Tur gaye khidari jindagi to harr ke!(X2)
Mukk gaye gavaiyye mann sab da bhar ke!(X2)
Muk gayi ameeri, saath chhaddne saajan!
Tur jana jindriye chhadd k yaadan!(X3)

Ethon tur gaye raaje, tur gaye raanjhe heeran!(X2)
Eh dharat waderi, baki sabh leeraan!(X2)
Othe honge lekhe change maade bhaagan!
Tur jana jindriye chhadd k yaadan!(X3)

Tuun mann di Sandhua, rakh chadar chitti!
RipJeet v teri aukaat hai mitti!
Jad tur gaya Benny, fer rona raagan!
Tur jana jindriye chhadd k yaadan!(X3)

Chhadd ke yaadan!(X2)

Here is the translation of the song in English,

Never it is possible to stop the departing waves!
Even the scorching afternoons would descend!
Orchards have knelled down in front of autumn!
Soul would depart leaving just memories!

Players have fled after losing to the life!(X2)
Artists have demised after entertaining the world!(X2)
Affluence has vanished,
Orchestra would stop being a companion!
Soul would depart leaving just memories(X3)
   
Kings got extincted from earth and so did the lovers!(X2)
This earth is foremost, rest everything is lowly!(X2)
In the court of God, justice would be served for being good or bad!
Soul would depart leaving just memories(X3)

Sandhu, you just keep the slate of your conscience clear!
RipJeet, you have no standing!
When Benny would scram, ragas would shed tears!
Soul would depart leaving just memories(X3)

I am not sure what else I can add to this song. Just would say that those who leave their loved ones and go to God, not sure whether they look down or not. But those who are left on this earth, for them, every passing moment brings just tears when all they wish for, is to see that person, even just for a moment would sufice but irrespective of how hard they would wish,  their pray would remain unanswered. We all have to go one day-a statement which is very easy to make in an attempt to console someone but doesn’t help much. 

Friday, July 08, 2016

Another Session & Week Is Complete….

I have just sat down at the lounge after clearing the check-in. This week's session is completed and I am so glad that it got concluded successfully.

If you are a regular here and have read the last post, you would be aware that I mentioned that this week's session would be tough. But before I could start the session, I had to reach at the place and that starts with boarding the flight. And this time, flying proved to be a really terrifying experience. The weather was extremely cloudy and windy-throughout the entire journey. I travel quite a lot and thus traveling, flying, turbulence etc. doesn't really impact me much. But this time, the turbulence didn't seem to want to end. In the flying time of 2.5 hours, I believe just about 35-40 minutes, we didn't have the seat belt sign on. Not just this, captain announced even to the airline crew to sit down and buckle up. And in my overall flying experience, I have seen this only one time before. Anyways, as you are reading this, it certainly means that my flight did land successfully and I managed to reach in one piece.

After reaching the airport, thanks to the Priority tag, my  luggage almost immediately. I took a cab and started for my hotel. The journey from the airport to the hotel was smooth. The hotel where I was going to stay, I had been there before. Though it's not really a very big hotel(7 floors only and having a 3-star rating), it's a very nice place to stay for few days. The staff is friendly and professional and the rooms are comfortable. The best part was that the venue was not very far from the hotel. So after having a quick dinner, I called it a day as I had to start the session next morning.

Next morning, I did reach at the venue at my usual time of 8.15am only to find out that no one reached there.Not even a security guard was there and the main door was also locked. After calling twice and waiting for 20 minutes, the local staff did arrive. As usual, their excuse for the delay was traffic. I am habtual of hearing it now so I just didn't bother. The delegates arrived on time and we had startd the session. The delegates, as like always, were really nice and knowledgable. We had some great discussions and it's really nice to see when people are interested to know stuff deeply-something that I am always eager about. Not only this, we did have some moments filled with laughter as well. And one such moment was today, when one of the delegates, changed my name in the evaluation (of course by mistake). When I mentioned that it's an incorrect name, she mentioned that not sure why in her mind, the incorrect name was there all the time. But on a serious note, when we were concluding today, I could see teh smile on everyone's face and it's always a sign that they did like the session and it was helpful for them. Thanks to all for a great week and for their patience. I hope that we shall meet again soon in some other session.

Just now while writing this, I am remembering that I have to update about my the last week's session. I shall be updaing some thoughts in an upcoming post. It would be more of a rant than thoughts though.

Now, it's about 6pm and I can see that my flight is rescheduled to 9.15pm. And that means that I have to sit and wait here for a very long time. I wouldn't have much issue with it if this airport had a Starbucks outlet where I could go and have a cup of coffee while doing some work. But there is none and the one coffee outlet which is available, I don't like it at all! So I am not sure what I am going to do for next 3 hours. Those who think that flying and traveling is fun, they are just so mistaken. Being at a place may be fun but reaching from one place to another is never fun-especially when you have to wait for hours over the airport sitting idle.

Sunday, July 03, 2016

A Long Travel Before A Tough Week's Start....

I have just finished the check-in and now, finally I am sitting a little relaxed. It was a long travel and heavy rain on the way, made the travel even more tougher.

The journey to the airport was relatively fine. The cab arrived on time. The driver did know me very well as I have traveled with him couple of times before too. I don't really like this guy though he is okay and behaves in the correct manner when he is working for me. I usually do talk to my drivers but for this guy, I just keep listening to music and only reply if he asks something. Like he asked today-what do you do sir? And my reply was that I work with computers. Like it happens always, he asked the same question that I get asked very often-so if I have to buy a laptop in the X amount of range, which one I should go for? And my reply was just the same it is always for this question-I don't work with hardware but with software. Of course- like most of the time, for this reply,  I get a blank stare so I got just the same this time too. We stopped for a wee break in between and in that, I had a quick cup of tea with a light snack. Though there was very heavy rain on the way, I managed to reach at the airport well before the time. After waiting for a while, finally check-in counters got opened. After a quick talk with the check-in lady, I got my luggage checked in, cleared security check and now, I am sitting near the boarding gate of my flight.

I am starving so I shall go and get something to eat. There is still almost two hours of time before the boarding would start and I am in the priority section so it should be hassle-free, I hope.

It would take 3 hours and then another 2 hours before I shall reach my hotel. It's going to be a tiring day and from tomorrow, a tough week is starting as well. Hope Monday would be kind on me and to you as well.

Time to get something to eat.