To Be Or Not To Be Angry, That's The Question....

 Hey there, two posts in a single day, I am on a roll, isn't it? I am sitting here at this bridge. Yeah, again. And it's a canal. Funny like a lot of things, I didn't know that before. Yeah yeah, I know I know, I didn't care. Beat me.

I am just really really angry right now. So much that I am not sure that what should I say even? And what's making me even more angry is saying/showing the anger is considered mocking. If you say hey, I am finding this wrong and you are told, well, if you think it's wrong then so be it. Not sure how it should be perceived. You hear something that's probably okay in a casual, fun talk at one fine day, but probably not at some other time. Just because you think it's okay cos you say that, doesn't make it a better hearing for the others at all the times. Just cos you have this that I say this all the time, doesn't make it right to say all the time. I don't believe in saying that look I did this for you/him/her/anyone. And my belief is that if for whom I did any tiny bit, he/she can't really see the intention/underlying feel, it's better to not to say about it loudly. I have been there when someone closed Oracle's My Oracle Support website(whose access is restricted to paid users only) when I entered the room. It's 20(2001) years since that happened. That person got the access but he didn't want to give it me or even show me that he has the access. I laughed when I saw him doing that. Why? Cos it's a website whose access is available to anyone who has a valid login after being a paid customer. And lo behold, now, I have my own access of that website. But I remember him NOT helping me. Some one, with whom I shared a room back in the old days, took away my shoes and slippers when I was  at my home. He left the place behind my back. He always liked my slippers cos they were really nice. He wanted to have extra money and said, Aman, let's sell some snacks like pastries etc. after work. Since I found him genuinely needy, after the work, I stood with him and did that. Then he started tutions and I helped some time in that too.His mother had cancer. I fought with my mom for 3 hours that I need to help him. Please give me some money so that I can help him, in whatever bit financially, including some part that I would chip in too from my own little salary. And I took that money, added some form my own and gave the entire sum to him. Yet, he just left the room without telling me and took away my stuff, only to never call back again. Till this date even. Did it hurt? God damn it, it did. I was so mad, not about money, but the way he did all that. Few years ago, there was a girl who was traveling for the first time to Delhi. She asked me where is some place and I asked her that is it your first time at Delhi? When she said yes and also mentioned that someone is coming to pick her up, I stood at a distance, without telling her, that she gets picked up by her friend/whoever that person was. She recognized him, went with him. And I went on my way to the airport. Yet, I have always tried to help , not because I want someone to help me back but because I know how it feels when no one does, especially when no one does. There is no desire for me to hear even a thanks even cos I don't really think that it's needed. Especially when someone is a family or a near and dear, expecting anything is just so plain stupid. But that doesn't mean if someday you mention that in a fit of anger, you paste that response which you paste to all the other people in fun. And if it's mentioned, it's mocking. If you say a point, you are told, hey, but remember you didn't do that either!  If I find I am the reason for someone's anger, I try my level best ( some times to the level of irritating the person even) that I don't sit ideally till I won't see that person okay. But if you are angry and you are saying (foolishly) that, only to see that mentioning is called mocking, it just makes you, I don't know what. I am kind of blank right now. 

I said in the last post too, not all say a lot. Some do things but remain quiet. I haven't posted on social media how I helped in this pandemic in what capacity but trust me, I haven't just given 100$. I did what the best I could give from myself , collect from others and gave it to the needy ones. Genuine ones. No one knows about it cos it's not the point. Some care and say, both. Some don't care and yet say. Some do care but don't say. For sure, different people have different likings. But the important thing is, and of course in my humble opinion which definitely (now I feel certainly) can be wrong, that for some, they need to see a little closer too. Just cos you don't say, doesn't mean that you don't do and just cos you do, doesn't mean you must say that either.  Cos someone did one thing wrong, doesn't mean his every bit is wrong. 

I was sitting here yesterday too. But I did come back early. But I am not sure that I want to get back from here today. The abundance of the silence here may help me to calm down a bit, though I am in doubt about that, if I am being honest. 

Like a trend, this post is also written on the phone. I have nothing to do here and it takes longer, much longer to type on a phone. May be I need to carry a laptop with an internet dongle. But since I don't care and understand, I missed doing so. What a lazy, worthless, grumpy and now, even old, bum you are Mr. Sharma. 

And yeah, I know it's appearing that I am stretching just one point or may be two. It's correct. . Like I said, I am kind of blank. So I am just blabbering and making no sense either but before you go on the course of passing some not-so-good accolades, just think that this guy is not in his senses right now. So pardon me for being stupid and behaving like one too.