When You Are Angry & Upset, Over Yourself....

Yet again, writing from the phone. Let's see how it goes. 

I am sitting along the side of a lake which is about 25kms away from my place. I am here since morning or may be afternoon. I can't really recall when I did come here. It's one of the most calm places that I have around. I haven't been here in a long time, thanks to the lockdown. Today, I didn't really get to think where should I go cos I was (read am) in a very bad mood. Not the kind of angry that I usually be but today, yeah think about that the parameters for the anger management were not working at all. I decided to go to a friend's place, got a comment about it, hearing which I rejected that idea, came to this place and been sitting here ever since. 

This place was very nice but now, when I came here today, it's a mess. A lot of construction of the flyovers etc. is going on and it has just ruined the entire beauty. Thankfully, the lake is still there and so is an old bridge. I used to sit on the edge of this bridge. But today, I sat on the stairs on the shore of the lake. There is no one around here, for miles. So I am just here with myself and the best part, without wearing a mask. Yes, I am one of those idiots who still wear a mask cos they don't get to see why one shouldn't? And am one of those idiots who still suggests to people that hey it's not safe yet, only to hear that of shut up you scared bum. It's all good. Don't you see people going to Goa for holidays or see weddings happening? Come on, stop telling us to wear a mask and for God sake, stop telling us about this pandemic. There is more to life and your whining is not helping us, in any bit. So shut up. But what to do? May be, one of the things being old is that you worry. Or may be, you know the details which are scaring you so much, more than for your nears and dears, than you. So unfortunately, I can't say it's safe cos it's not. Whether anyone/everyone likes it, or not. 

I am not really sounding in the best of the mood, I am sure it's so obvious. And the reason for that is I am really really upset right now. And the worse part-I am upset on myself. Why? Well there are several reasons. I am not sure how many of them I shall mention. But to mention at least one, if you see yourself worry/care about something and then you are told, no, you didn't do that. There are some who don't say a lot. I am one of those some. That doesn't mean that I don't pay attention. If you know about Aquarius, we are cursed that we don't skip the tiniest of the details. We don't speak much but rest assured, to the actual date and second, you will get the details if we are interested in that activity/person/circumstance. But it seems that it's not really important. What is important is a lot of other stuff. Can't recall the word I heard, "bhankas" IIRC. Or may be it was something else, I don't know. There is a lot of new stuff/slang that the kids/teens/young folks do/know. You also need to know a lot of stuff. But then again, you can't  when you are an old bum, who  has already spent 40 years of his life digging the well daily for the glass of the water. Life in general is hard for all,  and for some, the lesson starts much earlier than the others. True that we all fight our own wars, quest with our own daemons , handle our own struggles and no one else's struggle is lesser important or inferior than ours. But there are some things that are better not to be faced, that we wish, may not ever happen to even our worst of the enemies , let alone our nears and dears. Trust me when I say this, I have seen some of that stuff. I have seen what it feels to be insulted, humiliated, starved and yet, not able to say a word and just swallow the moment. So yeah, some of us who are the old bums, we are grumpy, boring and bloody irritating. 

Just like I don't say much about if I care/worry or not, same goes for being angry. It takes a lot to push me to the level of anger that  I am at right now. Usually, I am just quiet, if I am angry. But trust me, if you see me saying or showing the anger, then be rest assured, level has now gone off the charts. So why I am angry? Honestly, I am not sure I should mention it or not. And I had been thinking sitting here since morning that I shouldn't. Cos when you are angry and you know you must not mention it, yet you do only to see that you shouldn't had, it just enters you into a really vicious loop. It pisses the hell of you. Overall, not a state of mind that you want to be into. 

About being angry, something that just happened. I posted few posts on a messaging app. I don't usually do that but I just felt like doing so cos I am sitting here. And I immediately got bunch of messages as replies that why, what's the reason for me posting the status messages? If I had been in a normal mood, I had just laughed and shrugged it away. But today, I am not in a mood to shrug anything off. It felt so annoying to hear that everyone has issue with some thing or the other. If I didn't post, people had this as a laughing stalk and now, if I posted, it's being questioned. Remember what I said just now about being angry and loop? Make this as a sub loop of that loop. 

There is a lot that's going on in my mind but I just saw the time and it's 7pm. I have been writing this post from more than an hour. It's really so hard to type on a phone. Though I do want to say more but it's getting really tough and I am not going to be able to re-read it to check for any corrections. So if it's going to sound/appear stupid, then blame it on the phone and of course, give credit to the terrible state of my mind also. 

 I shall go back after some time. It's much colder here than back at home and it's pitch dark where I am. So better be here than anywhere else. 

Signing off.