Monday, February 17, 2020

Why Men Can't Cry....

It's a common thing to hear-hey you are a man, suck it up! Hey you are a man, you got to be strong-for you, for others. Hey you are a man so it's just pretty much decided that you can't cry. Why, well you just can't cos that's how the society works. In this society/world/time, if you are a woman and you cry, it's okay cos women feel, women have emotions, women are sensitive. But for a man, tears are the signs of being weak, loser or worse, tears of a guy are just labelled as fake. If you are a guy and you are spotted crying, among any of these mentioned acronyms you may hear and that's how the society goes. Or so it's said.


But is it? Can't one be a manly-man, an alpha male and yet can cry? Or doing so makes him less of a man?

I don't know.

But I posted this on a website couple of years ago. You can't read it there since it's marked as private by me but I saw something today that I reminded me of this stigma related to men again. And that's why I decided to post my reply here. If anyone will think that this dude has just made all this , feel free to commend and I shall email you the link of my posted (and hidden) reply. 



It takes a lot to make a man cry. It takes even more to hide those tears. Some times, all what a guy is want to do (and does) is to sit in a corner of his room , fold his legs so that he can hide his face in knees and cry-silentely. Some time, we hide our tears to portray that "strong hearted" feeling for those who rely upon us. We must not cry cos if we would, there won't be anyone who can console those loved ones.
In 2011, it was still few days to Diwali and I was at Banglore. I spoke with my dad and mom in the evening at 6pm while taking a walk and came back to my hotel . At 11pm, my mom called . She was crying so much, screaming over the phone,"Papa is no more! Your daddy is no more!" . I couldn't believe what I was hearing. You know , it's very different to go to a funeral and tell to someone , have courage. It's not not so easy when it happens in one's own family. I just asked my mom to put the phone down and called two of my friends. I knew that dad must have got cardiac arrest cos he was perfectly fine health wise. My friends came to home immediately and and took my dad to hospital. That 45 minute time period was something in which I dont know how many things I had thought. I have seen so much in life but I never had imagined that I shall see this day and that just when I am 30. I was just holding my mobile so so close to my chest and I was praying so hard that I won't get to hear that my dad is no more . But I had to. My friend called me and told that doctor has told that my dad has passed away even before he could be brought to hospital. I was standing on the settee which I had in my hotel room. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so loudly but you know, there were no tears. I called my manager cos I was working. He is not just a manager but a very good friend. When I called him and told him , I just broke down. I was jus crying and saying and to him over the phone,"papa chale gaye, main ab kya karunga. papa chale gaye!(Papa has gone, what will I do now. Papa has gone)" .And he couldn't say anything. No one can. I booked the car and came out from the hotel and started for the airport. I had my flight from Banglore-Mumbai-Chandigarh and then I had to take a cab from Chandigarh.

While I was in the car, I got a call from a relative. He said, " your mom is just inconsolable . I know it'shard but you don't cry when you are in front of them. There is no one left for them except you" . I said, I promise I won't cry in front of them. From that time, till the airport, I was talking to my mom all the time. My friends had told to my mom that dad is still admitted cos my mom is a heart patient. Every time she would tell me, Son come home soon and go to the hospital ,your dad is alone there. And I was just telling her this damn lie again and again, yes maa, dad is fine. I am going to get him back and I would cut the phone cos I didn't want her to hear me crying. I would again call after few minutes, tell her that there is some network issue. And I kept on doing this till I didn't catch the flight. When I reached Chandigarh, I got a cab and when I entered in the cab, I got call form my friend who took dad to hospital that they have told to mom now and she has gone berserk. Come soon , as soon as you can and we have to bring your dad's body too from the hospital. I just put the phone down and driver asked me what happened sir. I just broke down and said my dad is no more. He tried to console me and for the first time, in so many years of traveling, I was just wishing that this travel of 1.5 hours won't end. But it had to and when I reached home, first thing that happened that my friend hugged me so tight. I didn't say anything and just hugged him back , entered in the living room and my mom was just crying so much. I told her, don't cry, I am here ! And I don't know you would believe me or not, I didn't cry . I didn't shed a tear. I had to go to the hospital to collect my dad's body. I just huggged him so tightly and trust me-I wished so hard for a miracle that he would get up and hug me back. When I had to perform the last rituals of my dad, one teacher came of mine and hugged me and said, don't worry, everything will be fine. I just could say, I am so unfortunate-I can't even cry too! And I didn't cry, I didn't , even for a moment.

It's been 4 years and I don't talk about my dad with anyone- I don't say a single word. I have heard some people saying behind my back and some even to me right on my face that I am a stone-hearted person. That my dad's death has not even effected me. But you know what-I cry every single time I see any father being with his son! I was at a function where I jsut sat in a corner.I saw a gentleman who called the waiter and got for him and for his son two cups of tea. I had tears flowing down my eyes and I just wiped them. He would always come and drop me to the station. For the first time, when I boarded the train all alone, wihtout being able to touch his feet and gettig a tight hug from him, only I know how I felt and I feel just the same in every single time. I won't ever hear him calling my name again. He would call me "Yaar" (Buddy) , My ears yearn to hear it just one more time but it would never happen , even if I am ready to give anything in return. I had wished that I shall take my dad and mom to a five star hotel cos they never had beento one at Diwali. I would never be able to do that now and you know what, it hurts me every single day of my life. After two years of his death, I got the two books which I authored delivered to my home. When he was alive , I finished one but it never did arrive cos of logistic issues. My dad told to every single friend of his that my son authored a book and how proud he was. But I won't ever see him holding those books in his hands. He worked all his life so hard and never did own a car. Now, when I have one, I never would be able to see him sitting beside me. And no one, no one knows how much it pains me , how so very much it pains me every single day and will hurt me till the time I shall be alive. That feeling that I don't have my dad now with me to do all this and many such more things, big or small, they make me cry just every single day but I try my best that no one would see my tears. I promised I won't ever cry in front of my mom and sis and that god is my witness-I haven't. I haven't cried not even once in front of them and as a matter of fact, in front of anyone. Don't I miss my dad? I wish I could find words to tell how much but I don't know any. I wish I can tell how cursed I feel! Those people who said all that, they don't even have an iota of the idea about the pain and also ofthis that how it feels when you want to cry so much but you can't cos you know , all are looking upon you as a symbol of strength. But that burden of being strong or appearing strong is just too much to carry.

About girls, you know what-if you ever see a guy crying for a girl, go and tell her that no one and I mean it-NO ONE in this whole world wouldlove her more than that guy ever! But if one day, you find him crying sitting in his room with music playing on full volume and him siting with his face hidden in his hands and crying without making any sound, please do believe that he is just shattered -completely. Tears wont even come close to express the pain , believe me.

We guys are not stone hearted. We have the heart and we also have emotions, feelings -just like women. But we are supposed to stay strong-for that woman , for our family-whom we love and care so much and many times and doing that-we learn how to hide our tears from being seen. You may not see a guy crying but if you do spot one, don't just walk away thinking that he is a guy, he would be fine or worse, make a fun of him that how can a guy cry. You may never know, something somewhere so deep must have hurt him either in love or in life or if he is really unfortunate, at both fronts and he has wounds over his heart and soul which won't ever heal and those tears are the reminiscences of those endless pains.

There is a lot that I can and want to say but now, I have these damn eyes filled with the effing tears-yet again.

So what made me bring it out? These.
 I am not going to say that crying of girls is right/wrong/overrated/underrated/whatever. I shall just say this-happiness, sadness, smiles, cries etc. etc. are just emotions and are not copyrighted by any gender whatsoever. If one feels an emotion and it shows on your face, it makes you nothing but an emotional person-whether you are a guy or a girl, it's immaterial. It's a depiction of that emotion and labeling it as a sign of weakness for one gender is just as cruel to do for that gender as it's to make someone cry.

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