An Orphan....

This moment came earlier too in my life.  Though I knew it's coming again but like I always said, nothing can prepare you for some moments, I wasn't prepared the first time. And then the moment came, did hit and shattered me. Same thing happened again. Again, the moment came and has now shattered whatever the rest of me was left. 

I tried to write but stopped several times. Some time, I just couldn't find any words. I had been trying to write in bits and pieces. At times, I couldn't write a single word without my eyes being filled with tears. 

Last time, it took me much longer to write cos I had to take care of my mom at home, had to ensure that no one, especially she, would see me in tears while writing. That's why I had to wait for the travel to come to be alone. But this time, it's different. I don't need go for a travel to find a lonely place to write and most importantly, I don't have anyone now to look over that anyone shouldn’t see me crying. I am not sure that ever this post will be complete. Also, I am still not sure that if anything that I am saying or going to say, does or will make any sense to anyone or not. If you think it's not something what you want to read, please stop here itself. 

Added 2nd day

It's about 2AM and I am sitting here. Everyone is sleeping. I said that I have headache and I shall be sleeping so don't disturb me. I have been sitting here from almost an hour. Tears have been there all the time, hadn't written a single word. In some other times, I would had been worried that someone will enter in the room or call me to come out, but I don't need to be worried about tears or any such thing anymore. Today, I could just close the door of the room I am in, mention that I am going to take some rest, cos of headache, and no one bothered to check on me. Not that I am upset about it. Its fine cos that's how it is when you are an orphan. Orphan word is a fact of life for the one whose both parents have died. I am not saying it to gather any sympathy or to play a bloody victim card. If someone tells he is sad, more often than one can imagine, he is not playing a victim card. Maybe he actually is sad, he actually is shattered.  

Last whole night, I sat beside mama. Brought her home from the hospital and got a freezer to keep her at home. Seeing her in was just so, I don't know what to say, sad is just not the right word and I can't think of any other word to describe how it was to see her in that glass freezer box. She appeared to be sleeping, just like she used to sleep in her room. Whole night, I was sitting beside her and was wishing that may be, she will wake up. But she didn't. At about midnight, some relative was talking to her family member in a loud voice and I don’t know, I just snapped. I shouted so high that shut up please, maa will wake up. My friend, who came almost immediately, shook me so hard, hugged me and said, no Aman, aunty won't wake up. I knew he was right. I went and said sorry to that person too. But honestly, I didn't want to believe his words that mama won't wake up. I didn't want to see the light of the day cos in the morning, I had to go that very place which haunted me, which I dreaded so much. 

Today, I came back from the same place where I was few years ago too. That was the first time for me to wear a white dhoti, janeu and stand at cemetery holding a pail on my shoulders. It was the first time for me to perform cremation rituals. I tried to follow every word what priests said. I was told not to break the water falling from the pail while going around my dad in circles. It happened once that I couldn’t maintain that water flow steady and it broke and I was so scared, thinking that I did something terribly wrong. My dad was lying down there and I stood there besides my dad at that time. I wasn't crying since I promised maa I won't but in my heart, the biggest fear that steeped in, standing there was, that sooner or later, I shall be standing again here besides my mom too. This fear, that one day, this moment will come again, scared me so much. That's why I was always so anxious, worried cos she was always not well. At times, I even would be mad at her when she would forget her medicine or start thinking something and get tension. Every single moment, every time I shall hear mom cough, have difficulty in breathing, I couldn't sleep a wink. After seeing her that she has settled, the only thing that I would do is to pray that god please let this day or night pass.  Don't make this day the day when I shall see her gone. Not cos I don't know the reality but cos I had just maa left and last time, when dad left, I stood up for her, besides her. I stood stronger for her cos I knew, only strength left for her was me. Had I not been there, I don’t know what would happen, what she had done after dad's death. That's why, however scared I was, sad I was, shattered I was, I told mom, don't you worry, I am here, I shall see everything and everyone. When dad passed away and I returned home, I stepped in the room and mama was crying inconsolably.  I just ran towards her, hold her tightly and said, rona nai mama ok bilkul nai rona, aa gaya naa main. Bas hun nai rona. Dekho main ro rehan? Nai naa! Rona nai! And I didn't cry at all. I don't care who believes on it and who doesn't but I didn't cry, at all. Only time I had tears in my eyes which all could see was when one friend came to console me when I was standing beside my dad.  I just hugged and said, how unfortunate I am, I can't even cry too! And except for moments which you can count on one finger of one hand, I didn't cry after that. Not at least in front of anyone. I know some consider me heartless, cold, careless etc. etc. but little does most know, I am like. Never mind, it's irrelevant.   Though, there is a lot that I don't say and one of those things is that the biggest part in my existence, my strength, was my mom. I can't say that I have moved mountains for her but I did whatever I could. And today, I came back after burning her dead body, seeing her getting turned into ashes in those flames, right in front of these bloody eyes of mine, and worse was, I did light that fire myself. Some of you will call me a fool but I was still thinking when the priest was telling me to do all those rituals, my mind was just asking this, I was just asking myself, what if she is still alive? What if we are all doing all this, and she is still alive? I was saying in my heart, can someone please check my maa one more time? But I didn't say anything, to anyone.  Priest asked me to see her face for the last time. I moved that white sheet from her face, held her hand, hugged mama so tightly. And for the first time ever, her arms were not around me, hugging me back.  She wasn't that old but worries, tensions and her ailments, made her look much older than she actually was. Her arms and hand's skin got so many wrinkles. I never told maa this but I always hated those wrinkles cos a lot more older ladies I saw, they didn’t have such wrinkles, even at a much older age than maa was at. I have seen her when she was healthy. How time, tensions, people just made my maa so weak, so old, so soon and finally, all of it, took her away, so soon too. I would always hold her hand, but today, when I was holding her, I felt her hand and it was just so cold. Not sure that I would ever be able to get that cold feeling out of me now. I wanted to sit right there beside her but priest and my friend forced me to get up and took me to the other side. She was looking like she is sleeping just like I used to see her doing in her room.   Just realized how so much weak her ailments, life had made her. She was just so fair, like milk, when she was in her young age. Her whole life, she just struggled, for others. She didn't do one thing for herself. Only good things she ever did, always for others and yet, here my maa was, lying over this stack of woods. I didn't want to leave her laying there over those woods. Priest asked me to put ghee over my maa's face. I felt so bad doing that. So much! Felt like I ruined face of mama. My friend, dragged me to some distance when the flames became high. Everyone stepped back. I was still standing there, right there with my maa today, wondering that I didn't let her catch one moment of cold or heat and yet here she is, in just so much pain, in so much heat of this fire. It felt like she will get up and say, putt, where are you, pick me up from here! My friend told me that I was standing too close to the flames. Honestly, I don't remember and even if I was, it's okay, it didn't matter. I was seeing her in so much heat and was just lost that how she would complain that she can’t sleep in summers when we just had fan at our house.  She was just not able to sleep. Only in the early morning, she could get some sleep when the weather would become a little colder. When I could, I got the largest aircon that I could buy for her so that she won't feel heat cos she couldn't sleep in the heat at all. I remember many years ago, when we didn't have air con, she would wake up in the night, put some water on her gown and then come back so that she could feel slight comfort. Due to her diabetes, she would always feel so restless, especially in summer. And I always felt so bad when I would be at a hotel, sleeping in a room which had aircon, thinking that my mom (and that time, dad too) was sleeping outside in veranda, so that she can get some sleep. That's why when I finally could buy, I got the best and the biggest aircon in the market and got it installed in her room. It was the first aircon ever in our house, ever and I got it in her room. She got TV, first in our entire neighbourhood, when I was born, thinking that her son won't go to someone else's home to watch tv. Got fridge thinking that I had to drink hot water but my son would have only cold water. For her, got this fridge that I am sure none of her friends have. I got the first LED TV installed in her room only, would sit in her room only to watch, force her to listen to my truck driver kind of Punjabi songs which she would laugh at when I would be after her like anything and shall say, mama eh song suno, suno naa. She would say nai main ni sun na tera gaana and in few minutes, she would say, thik aa leya suna, laa de tv te. Just mama and mine's small moments of happiness they were. Little joys. She knew I liked to listen music and more importantly, I wanted to share what I liked to hear with her so much, all the time. If ever I was happy, truly happy, it was to see her happy, to see her smile, to get something for her, get something that she wanted and see her smile. I am not saying that I am a great son or whatever. I am certainly not. But today, I was so furious over myself that she is in so much heat all around her and I am the one who has put her in that heat. Priest asked me to use a bamboo stick and strike on her head from behind three times. It's done to break something in the head. Not that only I did it and no one else would do. All, here in North at least, would do the same ritual. I did at the time of my dad too. But today, it felt so bad to do it. My maa had become so fragile, I hadn't let anyone speak with her loudly, let alone touch her and break a hair of her even. And yet, I was hitting her head with that bamboo, doing what this son of a bitch priest was telling me to do. When the flames started, I was standing there and my friend dragged me back. He was the only one whom I hugged and told, yaar, pher aa gaya main ethe. Of course, he didn't say anything, except that yaar, be strong, kuch ni ho sakda. I know no one can say and do nothing. I know I promised that I won't cry but I don't know I wasn't able to control myself. I didn't say anything, I didn't scream though I wanted too so much. But see my maa like that for the very last time, burnt something deep inside me, shattered whatever the rest of me left anymore. I wanted to just run away but I couldn't. Mama was there and it felt like if I shall leave, I shall be leaving her all alone there.  I tried my best to keep her safe, keep her healthy. If anything, that could harm her health, her happiness, I wouldn't let that thing happen in my best abilities. I wouldn’t let anyone say anything to her, tell her any bad news or even good news all of a sudden. And if someone would make her sad, irrespective whoever it may be, they had seen, firsthand how very angry Aman can be. Whoever it may be, it didn't matter. I also never told her anything sad, anything that would make her worry, I kept it to myself. Any worry related to work, money, my own, I shall just say, it's all good mama, don't worry at all. Once, I was at Hyderabad. I had a very very, VERY bad pain on the left side of my back. I am not the one who would say easily that I am in pain, and I have gotten some really bad injuries, met with 9 accidents, more severe than most would know.  I don't say easily that I am in pain. But that night, when I came back from my session, I was screaming with so much pain. I had bed sheet crunched in my teeth to silence my screams. Mom called and I picked up the phone, barely managed to tell, mama I am having headache, will call you tomorrow. So many times, from abroad, even in India, in my travels, I would not have meal of one time, at times to save money, especially at abroad or I shall just get busy in my work. But I would tell mom every single time, I went to this restaurant that restaurant, had this, had that. Didn't bring certain fruits, sweets cos she couldn't have them and I saw her crying once that she can't have any of these. I stopped bringing those fruits, sweets to the house since that day. Tried it all and today, she just left. And I was left standing there seeing her in those flames. Many years ago, doc told me young man, we can only increase her quality of life, not quantity. Just I know that my heart sank hearing that. Only I was in that room and I stood there, begging that doc that anything if it's possible, please tell me and I shall make it happen, I shall do it. He had also lost his mother when he went to study at Aus. He told me, Aman, I know how it feels. I have everything today but when I see these cars, houses, fame, it hurts so much cos I don't have my mom who prayed for me, who sent me to Aus. I know what you are feeling but I am sorry, that's the best I can do for your mother. I stood there for a long time, crying silently looking at the other room where mom was sitting. I didn't want to think bad but I knew, not taking medicine for more than 20 years, has caused her heart so much damage. That's why I tried my best to ensure that she remains safe. I always tried that as much as I could protect her, I would do. But when god had to take her away, he did it just in a second, and made me stand there, completely helpless. I couldn't do anything, anything at all. I was running from pillar to post, requesting every doc I could see to check her one more time. I called my friend who is a big doc, to request personally, to check with the local cardiac surgeon to do something, to recheck maa once, to confirm that she is really not there. My friend did call and that local surgeon also did come to me. But he just pressed my shoulder and said, I got call from Dr. A and I have checked myself just now. I am sorry, there is no heartbeat, please be strong and accept the reality. I only saw in the movies those shocks they would give to revive the heart. I pleaded him to use that. But may be docs see it happen all the time, he didn’t buzz. He just pressed my hand and left. Nothing I could do and just like that maa left and I was left standing in that room. When dad went, I wasn't there to do anything. This time, even if I was there, it didn't matter, it didn't help. So much unlucky I was, I couldn't even get to hug her one last time. Yes, everyone speaks of reality, facts. And the fucking fact and reality is, today, my maa is finally gone to god knows-where. The reality is that now, I shall never hear her call me again kaake, never she will hug me when I shall return to home and never ever, she will say, thoda jeha hor kha lai, ik roti hor lai laa, koi ni. She is gone for forever, leaving me all alone here. 

I am going to stop, can't write anymore. 

Added at Kurukshetra....

Today was the dreadful day to go to Haridwar for doing the final rituals for mom. I was at there this morning. We reached here at this hotel a little while ago.  Not that we chose this spot for taking a break but there is place within Kurukshetra, where one has to go for the last prayers of his parents or anyone who has passed away. I don't know about other parts of India but in North, one must visit this place after a death of a family member, even more importantly than Haridwar. We decided to come her while coming back from Haridwar. Two of my friends came along with me too. We stopped at the hotel cos the friend who was driving, wanted to take rest. It's been a long drive as we drove almost the entire night then in the day as well since we wanted to go to Haridwar and Kurukshetra in a single day itself. Everyone fell asleep almost immediately, and is sleeping right now. I am laying in my bed here, with this phone in my hand. We went in the morning to pick the last remains of mom.  To say that it broke my heart into pieces moving that stick to collect the last remains of her from the ashes, is going to be an understatement. I am not sure what do I say, how should I say? No one has any idea nor he/she will ever have one, how I felt to do that. I had the misfortune to do the same before too when dad left and I am so jealous today from all those boys, who are just living happily with their parents, oblivious to all these things, all these pains and are just not bothered about any of these things. I know those of you, who just see faults in me, arrogance and whatever else, will now say I am wishing bad for  others. No, I am not. I am going to wish for everyone that their parents must live with them, happily and healthy for the rest of their lives. I have never wished bad for anyone and losing nears and dears, especially parents, is not what I shall wish for anyone, ever. I just wish God hadn't made me visit these places so early in my life, that God had not taken mom and dad so soon. I just wish this only, that's all. And this pain will last in me for the rest of my time here in this world. 

I had been told by R that I use my memory to win arguments, prove I am righteous etc. But what most don't know or understand, that having such memory, it's a curse. It's a curse to remember tiny details. I am cursed to have a memory which doesn't let me forget those times, those pains.  At times, you do want to forget all the pains, sad moments, if not for forever, for a moment at least. But you know some time, you just can't. And I never forgot those pains, those times, when I saw my mom struggling, crying and I saw others giving her pains. I never can forget my maa crying sitting at the bed saying that when I could eat, I didn't have food and today, when I do have food, I can't due to the health. I was also having dinner at that time. I just couldn’t have it any more. Can't forget one day, I was sleeping and she called me early in the morning on my phone cos she couldn't breathe. I have had my number on speed dial in her phone that she would just press 1 and it will dial my phone. At that time, it felt like I lost her. I drove like crazy to get her to the emergency ward at the hospital. I can't forget how she was sitting there when I reached there and asked doc and he said, her eyes are getting dilated. Please wait outside and we shall see what we can do. Spent that whole week sitting in that hall waiting outside her room. When she became a little better, they shifted her to private room and she was complaining in a jovial mood to the doctor that please, tell my son that I can eat whatever I want. He doesn't let me eat with my own choice. I was standing right there and doc was smiling.  I stopped caring about me a long back ago. But for those whom I love and care, if anything is related to them, any times are related to them, then they are inked on my heart.  That's why seeing that she didn't check on me that how I was, it just did hurt so much. I knew that it wasn't going to happen. I know she won't be at home when I shall reach back, but trust me, I really wish if it wasn't true. Her room is right in front of the main entrance and I had always seen her sitting there when I shall enter in the house. And that's what is hurting so much that I shall go back to home and won't find her sitting anymore, ever again. 

Death is a very cruel thing and unless, one hasn't witnessed its wrath in his/her own home, to his/her own people, he/she doesn't know how hard it hits. How it leaves you permanently scarred, crucified when the dead is none else but your own parent or your nears and dears. It's not what someone can understand even if they try or claim to. When dad passed away, I had no idea too what it feels like facing death in your own family. It's very different when you go to someone else's home, give them few words of motivation, consolation and come back home, untouched from that pain, that sadness that engulfs those who has lost someone. It's not the same when you are not merely visiting someone's home but in your own home, your dad or mom or anyone who is a near and dear, is dead. When dad left, everything was happening like a machine work. I knew nothing, had no idea what to do, where to go. I was just doing whatever I was told. He never did let me know any of these things. I did all but the only thing that I had was this sinking feeling in my heart, all the time, that all of this will be happening again. I tried to do everything in the best possible way I could. I know no one can turn back time and see, but I got the best that I could get at that time. If a pack of sweet was of 100, I got the 500 one. Not that I had a lot of money, but I remember saying to that priest over there who is the priest of our clan, it's for my dad. Just this was haunting me, that one day, I shall be sitting in this room again, having the same talk with this priest, for my mom too. And today, I had to do just that. I don't know best or not, but I did try my to complete everything today in the best possible manner. Mom used to wear a nose ring of gold and that priest asked to give it away in daan. It felt so bad but I was told to give away it by elders at home so gave it away. She used to wear sarees, gave away her sarees too. Had I could, I hadn't given nothing but I was told it's important to do. They note down names of your family members who have passed away and who has come to do their last rituals. We are Brahmins so it's even more important for us to do. My dad's visit was recorded there when he went, then mine when I went there for dad and now, this visit is recorded there too. Reason I was so scared the first time that I knew, next time would be much much harder cos this time, I had to be there, stronger for my mom but next time, it wouldn't be the same. Just what I saw too. Last time, mom called to check if I am fine, if I had eaten something or not. And this time, this time there was nothing. It's not that all 3 of us didn't eat, we did. But there wasn't any call from mom.  There will never be one too. If you never knew me more than my work or beyond this web, or beyond someone whose persona is that he doesn't say a lot, doesn't care much etc. you have probably no idea what I am saying. And I understand it too. But I won't try to make you understand either nor I shall attempt to explain anything. It's fine. Truly speaking, I have no words, nothing with me to explain or express that what I am trying to say. I know all the words, be strong, life moves on, it happens with all, way of the world, we all have to go, everything! Heard all of it, even but you know what, none of these sentences help, not even a wee bit. None of these helped before and now, whatever little their meaning, relevance was, even that's not there. The reality of the thought that maa isn't there at home, it's hurting so much and it will always hurt now, no matter what. 

Added today

Again, that white sheet of tent is there. If you don't know what it is and why, a white sheet is hung outside the house to show that in this house, someone has died. Paath has started and I have to be present in it.  I sat in the paath and after that it's people who come to see you, probably to share the pain. Except for some whom you know, they are truly moved and sad, for the rest, it feels that they are doing just a social obligation, saying just the repeated lines, with nothing in their eyes that shows that they are truly sad. It's the same talks that all do all the time, maada hoya, halle nai si hona chahida, halle time ni si and many more such words.  Yes, it's all good to hear but you know what, these words, don't help at all. When you have heard them so soon since you first heard, they don't do any help, don't do any good. That's why since I have been hearing, I am not saying a lot except nodding my head or saying hanji/yes. I am just listening. 

For almost all, whatever I mention here, isn't even one percent of those things that I don't mention. And one of such things, that I didn't mention at all ever is a song, that I was always scared to hear. I did hear it full length only once (first time) but I never did manage to hear it (or saw it) again ever since. I had never mentioned it but it doesn't matter anymore. Here it is. 

 

 

I thought of not putting its lyrics here but it's important to understand the lyrics. 

Je suraj diyan kirana naal thand pai jaye,

Taan thandiyan chhavaan nu kaun puche!

Hawa vich hi udd k ja hove,

Tan baniyan raawan nu kaun puche!

Je chidiyan den sunehe, taan kaanwaan nu kaun puche.

Je maasian baan jaan maavan, taan maanvan nu kaun puchhe!

 

Jad maan meri maithon duur hoyi,

Meri rooh si chooro-chuur hoyi!

Naa pyar mile maan warga, 

Eh thandiyan chhaawan hundiyan ne.

Lakh hovan chachiyan, taiyiaan, 

Maanwan maanwan hundiyan ne!

 

Meri maan di arthi ajj taanhi, 

Mere naina de vich ghumadi e!

Maan wangar maan de jaan pichhon,

Kaun fad fad matha chumadi e!

Jis thaan te maan na disdi, 

Oh sooniyan thaanvan hundian ne!

Lakh hovan chachiyan, taiyiaan, 

Maanwan maanwan hundiyan ne!

 

Nit Babbi eh hi ardaasan karda e,

Maan mare na kade v bacheya di,

Naa maan de baajhon sarda e!

Dukh sukh vich har ik maan diyan naal duaavan hundian ne,

Lakh hovan chachiyan, taiyiaan, 

Maanwan maanwan hundiyan ne!

I am not going to do its English translation but one line needs to be told, Maanwan maanwan hundiyan ne. It means, mothers are mothers. No one can replace a mother.

There has been 2 times in my life, when a part of me died. People say, be strong, stay strong. Ups and downs are part of the life etc. etc. And may be all of you who say that, you are right too. But you know, some time, being strong and all that, all these statements do nothing. They mean nothing, nada. Some time, no matter what anyone says, you just can't stay strong. Not even can pretend to do, be like that. 

Some of you, who know me well enough (or at least I expect you to know) beyond this web presence, you should know it that I have always said, had it not been my parents, especially my mom, I had been working as a labourer somewhere in a factory. No, I am not exaggerating. It's a fact. I know everyone's parents do a lot, whatever they can for their child. God bless and may god bless everyone's parents a very long and happy life too. But I can just speak for mine cos I have seen them doing real struggle, live through some really tough moments and eventually, pay the price of all those sacrifices they did.  I have seen my mom not buying medicine for 20 years that led to her incurable ailment. My dad drove a cycle all of his life, trying as hard as he could to do, whatever he could for the family. I remember just like yesterday, when I was a kid, saw him back on a festival evening, bursting into tears since he couldn't bring any sweets for us. There is just one person whom I told all of this. I can't say I am the good son, or anything good at all, but I always tried to do whatever I could to make things better for them. I shall always have this tussle with God since he took dad away before I could show him any good times, make him sit with peace, happily, for just few days too. For mom, too, I couldn’t do much. Whatever little I did, it’s nothing. And god being so cruel, he took mom away too. 

Added today

I have not written anything since paath is going on and also, there are people coming and visiting. I am not sure but I am just keeping quiet. One relative said that you are very strong. I just said, yes and I turned my back to the priest doing the paath. I didn't want to argue with him cos I didn't want to explain to him anything. It should be obvious that no one is strong, at least all the times. Some time, one just doesn’t say anything much to anyone. And often, when you do tell a bit or even try to do so, you are told you are playing victim card.  Like I always say, sometimes, one just doesn't know how sad or broken is the other person or how life has treated him or the people he loved and cared. Just cos one person is crying and other isn’t, doesn’t make the latter one, less sad or less impacted or simply strong. Some can say, some can't say and some, choose not to say cos they have others to look upon to and they have the world to face which has no place or time for the crying ones.   I know we all have our own fights, issues, struggles. But there are some things which hurt more than a better or worse job profile, small or big car, or whatever else I see people cribbing about. When you stand outside a tea stall, in the month of December, go back to it 3 times, trying to decide whether you should have that cup of tea or save that money to take an auto back to your home cos you don't want to call your dad to pick you up since it will be too cold for him to come on a two-wheeler, thinking all of this, while being hungry and freezing to death with cold. Sounds petty isn't it, but it's a lot difficult choice to make than the whining of not getting your favourite colour dress at the shop or not able to go to vacation or anything like that. Then you chose to sit back in your seat and chose not to have that cup of tea, finally. When you see your mom having a broken watch and not able to get a new one, seeing her having fondness of sarees but not able to get the new ones or pretty ones as others could, feeling helpless doesn't do justice to describe how you actually feel at that time. When you are told by the doctor, had she taken this medicine which costs peanuts, she could had lived much longer, you curse all those issues, circumstances, everyone who made her chose not to buy that damn medicine, who made her not able to buy it and now, she is suffering, cos of something that she decided to do for her family, by putting her own life on the line. And now, it's all in vain, cos you are not able to do anything now except cry, standing quietly alone in that room cos you are told she must not hear anything sad or bad, heck, not even too much of happiness is supposed to be told to her all of a sudden. When you know she faced so much trauma to get paralyzed at the age of 26, when most girls are trying to find the right shade for their hair or cribbing over their broken nail or not getting the right promotion, or a boyfriend/husband, or having a lousy one, it makes your blood boil. When you see that due to that paralysis, for the rest of her life, she had to bear pain in one side of her body, you just want to burn this world with all those people, who gave her those pains, those traumas that led her to almost death at 26. But she was strong. Yeah, she was so strong that's why she did get up even when the doc told her that now, chances of her standing up is nil, chances of her to be able to speak are zero. But she did get up, cos she was so determined. She was actually daring cos she crawled and still cooked her food, and she taught herself to stand up again, she made it a point to stand back up. Yeah, there is a lot that's not the usual definition of pain, issues and most are never going to face an iota of those pains ever. Not that they or anyone else should, but they don't know what is it to face real struggles, real pains, real tears and real sadness. It's very easy to say, you don't have money, come on, have roti with salt or with water. Be my guest, please try that once and then, tell me how did it go. It's very easy to say stay strong, it's all part of the life, it happens. When you are told something will happen that you don't want, every day, how tough it is to live those moments, it's not possible to express. When you are told upfront that quantity cannot be increased, those words haunt you every single moment. I have seen a lot in my life. But I don't want to sound like I am the saddest/unluckiest one. No, in fact, my mom's blessings made me the luckiest one, more than a lot of other people of this world. But it doesn't take away the fact that I have seen my fair share of pains, sad times, a lot of stuff, and at that age at which most don't know what's actually sadness is, pain is, insult is. Most go on with their lives whining about how they don't have the right job, despite having one, they don't have the right phone, despite having one, how their parents don't let them do this or that, how they will be so happy being on their own, having some issue or the other with their parents, despite "having" parents in their lives. Most don't know what's actually an insult feels like. I mentioned having roti with water empty stomach. Most don't know when you actually do eat that roti empty stomach, how bad your stomach hurts. Most don't know what it is to lose a parent at the age of 30, an age when most are just trying to find out their so called, way of life.  I don't mention these things here nor I will cos, one, it's not for all to hear and share the pains, and two, when you do observe some say, main kya bolun, after hearing probably the saddest news that one could tell crying silently standing in the corner of room filled with people and yet feeling all alone, feeling shattered, broken and lost, all of these at the same time, you reckon that it's better not to say anything but just this that you are okay. Cos some time, one doesn't understand, some griefs hit harder than most ever will realize, and break even the strongest ones too. 

Added today after Pagri

Today is considered to be ceremony but it's basically the day when you go out in the public with your pain, with your grief cos that's' how the world's customs are. I went to the hair salon to get the shave done. I hadn't done shave from last few days, and I decided to get it done at the salon. This wasn't my usual place but the guy still did know me as I have been at his place few times. As soon as I sat, first thing he asked, is everything okay paaji? I wanted to say the truth but I didn't want to cry at a place filled with strangers. So, I just said, yes, everything is okay. He asked me that why such messy hair and no shave. I said I was busy that's why. Of course, he didn't ask again anything. I got the shave done, came back, wore the kurta, pajama and now it was the time to get to the ritual of pagri to be done, again. I can't say attend cos it's me who had to arrange everything. If you have never seen one or god forbid. have gotten the pagri done with you, you don't know what it feels, what it means. You sit and the elders of your family tie this turban over your head, in the presence of the world to declare that you, are now the head of this family. You are the one who will face now this world. And the reason of that is either your dad, or mom, or worse, both have left this world. The weight of that pagri is not anything, but the burden it carries, it's so much. You can't understand it if you are someone who has just gone to attend this ceremony or if you don't know what it means. I had the misfortune to have this pagri twice over my head. Yet again, something that most will never see in the age when they are busy a lot of other stuff. I had seen the world change when dad went away. I stood at a shop, where dad used to visit almost all the time. I went there to get garland for dad's photo. Stood at the shop for few minutes. When my turn came, I told this fellow that my dad, told his name, is no more. He didn't even flinch, didn't even blink an eye. Didn't say a word. I took that garland and never went back to that shop again. And this time, I did see how the world looks upon someone who don't have his parents. There is a ritual that all the men of the society and family, drop currency notes of whatever denomination they feel like in the lap of the guy who is getting the pagri on his head. Two people, found most crumpled currency bills and dropped them in my lap. This money is given to the priest or anyone who is needy. So, it doesn't matter how much it or what state is of the bills. But to see someone dropping the worst conditioned bills at such a ceremony was the sign of how world treats and sees you now. One guy came and suggested me that I should start giving tuitions now. I didn't say anything.  The final part of the ceremony, is the toughest one and that is to stand outside the main exit door, with folded hands and see people off, thanking them that they had come. It's yet another sign to the world that it's you now. You don't say anything, actually you can't say anything.  All what you do is stand with hands folded, tears flowing from your eyes and you see everyone off. That's what I was doing too. It was just me and a friend, of mine standing there. Everyone was busy in something else, some were having lunch, some were just talking amongst their circles. I was just watching everyone standing at that gate. It's not that I wanted any of them to stand with me, but it just felt..nevermind. My friend called a server who brought a water bottle once every guest left. I didn't want to have anything. Somehow, everything was done. Pagri rasam was done. 

I am sitting here in the room, still trying to comprehend the fact that maa is now not there.  But I am not able to think what should I say. My mind is drifting back to the thought that in the next room, mama is sitting. And then it's hitting that she isn't there, she isn't anywhere. Yes, I have heard it enough that your parents are watching you from above and all that. But no, that doesn't help. You can't see them watching you. You actually want to see them, you want to go where they are sitting, give them a hug, you want to hear their voice. That watching from above doesn't help, it doesn't help at all.  I didn't want them to watch me from somewhere above. I wanted them here, right with me so could feel like a kid, I could feel safe. When dad went, I was shattered but still, few who know me, they know this that my strength was mama. Not having dad was/is/will always be the most painful thing. But I still had mama with me. I still had her to tell me kaka it's okay.  First thing I always used to do was to get up, see mom if she is awake already and if she is, give her a hug. Never missed doing that when I was at home. Now, this won't ever happen. She would always call me when I shall reach the highway and say, come back soon putt, have something wherever you stop. I always had called her in the lunch breaks, after the day was over. And now, I shall never hear her voice again cos she is gone. I don't know how to express this except this that it has hit in a very different. The void of not having maa is not something that I cam 

I don't know if I shall ever be able to find words that will explain or express what I am feeling. But I do want to say my maa somethings. She won't ever be able to read it now nor she will be able to hear me saying these too. Mama, I am sorry. I am not able to stop these tears. Bahot haunsla rakhan di try kar rehan but ho nai reha mama. I know you must be in a much better place mama. I know how it was so painful for you but mama, kalla reh gaya main. I am so sorry. I am sorry that I used to shout on you when you forgot to take your medicine. I am so sorry. I never told you. I always had come back in the room and cried after doing so. I was so scared mama that I won't be able to do anything. I would just have to listen to the docs and they had never said anything good mama. I never told you I always went to the cemetery on Saturday to give donation on your name cos someone told me that it's going to increase your life. I have those receipts lying in front of me now. I want to tear them apart and burn them now but I am not able to cos your name is there. Those chairs that I told you were of 200rs each, they were not. They were much more than that. I didn't tell you cos I didn't want you to be worried about the price. I saw our old canned chairs for so long and I knew how you hated them, Thats why I got these. That watch wasn't from sale mama. I would had never bought it if it was in the sale. I bought the same brand cos you always were sad that your previous one was damaged by that jerk shopkeeper. I wanted to take you on the flight but never said that cos one of teh docs told me that you won't be able to breathe when the plane will go at high altitude. I am so sorry.  I wanted to do so much mama. But I just couldn't. That God called you so soon. Just wish, so wish, just for some time you could be here. I am missing you so much. I am just saying I am okay. I am putting a strong face; I am not crying in front of anyone. But mama, I am missing you so much. I saw all sitting with their moms at the Pagri. That time, I just didn't know what to do. I so wish I could see you one more time. I so want to get hug from you, even for one last time. I sat in that street mama where those buffaloes were there. I won't step in that street, that place again ever now.  I haven't called those bastards who gave you tears, pains. If they will have any issue, any mess they will create, I shall see each and every one of them. But you know mama, I am feeling so scared. I didn't ask anyone to cook anything for me.  I didn't say anything. Just had whatever was there. Wanted to say but then just didn’t. I went to the room, sat on the side of the bed where you used to sit. But couldn't sit for long. Just came back. couldn't stop my tears. I wanted to get up and wash them cos I thought you will call me any moment but then it just hit so hard that you won't, not now not ever. That wall where your hand's print is there, I have that with me. I sat under it today.  You have left me all alone here mama. You never did let me cry and if I ever did too, you had me immediately in your embrace. Now you haven't come. You didn't say nai kaka, rona ni. Not good naa mama. Not good. Your putt is sitting here all alone and crying mama, come just once naa, just once and say don't cry kaka. I am sorry mama, I am missing you so much mama, I really really am! 

Added today

I couldn't continue. This part is going to be the final piece. I don't know what I should say. It feels like I want to say a lot but then words are not coming together. As I said somewhere above, this post won't ever be complete. Yes, God has added this belly and put hunger in it. Days will go on and clock will keep ticking. Just like all say, it's okay, be strong this that. But you know some time, one doesn't deserve to see certain things before a certain age. Not that at any age the loss feels any less painful but still you understand, you are prepared to a certain extent. It's one thing to lose one of your parents. Yes, nonetheless that loss is irreparable but losing both of your parents when you see others have their parents with them, even when their own kids get married, yes it hurts. God bless everyone's parents. I swear I want everyone's parents to be alive and healthy for the rest of their lives. Cos the pain of not having them and to become an orphan is beyond what words can explain. I would never wish my stanch enemies to feel this pain, this grief cos it's going to be there for all the breaths remaining inside and trust me, every moment becomes an eternity with this pain.