At times, you set out for something else and a complete opposite chain of events just shake you up. It's just one of those days cos one after the other, worse things happened.
I had a session which got cancelled cos participants had to attend some meetings internally. Now, that's the only work that I had in about 2 months and now, it's gone too. There is one that's being planned but I shall need to travel to Hyderabad for it. I am not sure that I really want to do that but beggars can't be choosers so if nothing will come up, I may take the risk and travel too. Since I didn't have any work, I thought I shall get some stuff to eat, give some stuff for dry cleaning etc. And if you have read the previous post, I got my right foot twisted. So that was the first thing that happened. I stopped the car and a freaking pole fell on my windshield, thanks to corrosion and busted the glass. Now, that's just so effing frustrating that you are not making any money and yet, you have to shell out to take care of something which happened just out of nowhere. I drove the car to the service center, gave it for the replacement of the wind shield and since it's going to be there for service as well. Got a sardonic comment a while ago that I might just should do it cos I drove the car a lot in the last few days. Anyways, so the good guys over there offered me a drop back and also, that they will get the car delivered too. Bless them.
When I got back, I got a notification which said this,
I did reply to it and after that, I just busted into tears. I have heard and been hearing from a long time, everyone has to go, be strong, stay strong etc. etc. Yes, it's all correct. It's the way of this world. But tell you what, it's very very different when it happens in your family, with your loved ones and worse, to your parents or parents-alike. Some thing just dies inside you. That pain, no one, and I mean it, no one, nothing can take away that pain. It's one thing that no one dies with the dead, but you wish some days, that it's better if it could just happen. I remember when I went to get my dad(I can't say his body, I just can't) from that cold, freezing room, took the sheet of his face, I hugged him for few minutes, praying as hard as I could that something, some miracle may happen and he will wake up and hug me back. Nothing was going to happen and nothing did. I had to pick him up, bring at home. Those cries from all at home, haunt me all the time, they are always in my ears. No one can understand or imagine, how I felt when the first time I saw a dad, gotten tea for his son sitting beside him and I was sitting besides a wall watching all that, just by myself. I came down in the restroom, closed it and cried, god knows for how long. Washed my face and went back, showing that nothing happened. No one can understand or imagine that how it is for the child, especially for a son, to bear that pain, bury it somewhere so that no one can see it,and move on, cos there is nothing else that he can do. People say, oh how strong he is/brave he is, little less they know there is no bravery, there is no strength. It's just that this is all what you have to do. You can show your tears once or twice maximum. Any more than that, you will be told hey buddy, grow up, suck it up, you are not a kid, happens with all, you are not alone. And the worse is when you are in pain and in tears, you are told, they mean nothing, wipe them off. When in front of all the world,
Rasam Pagdi happens, that's the last time, you could cry, at least in front of the world, cos after that, you are no longer someone who can hide behind your dad's back. Only if you have ever worn that pagdi, sitting there with everyone dropping some money in your lap and giving you a shawl to wear, you feel that the burden on your shoulders and on your head, is just increasing with every passing moment. You sit with tears in your eyes, in silence and then when it ends, you stand on the exit gate with folded hands to tell the world, it's now you. It's now you vs. the world and the world doesn't give a damn about you. So you suck it up and just put on a brave face. True that stomach needs food and you do the grind to get that food and all other things, affairs of life, just keeps on going at their own pace. But some time, when you stop for a minute and look inside you, or when you hear something like what Jassi said, you again feel that hollowness, that pain and it just hits you again. And it hits you harder every single time than the previous one. Harder than most can understand or imagine except those unfortunate ones who are alive to bear it on daily basis. No one can imagine what it is to wake up in the mid of the night, go to your parent's room, see them sleeping and most importantly, breathing, and to confirm that they are "still" alive. You come back in your room silently and pray that tomorrow must not be the day that you see them go. Cos the words of the doc that you heard which made you stand crying all alone, "only quality young man, don't ask to increase quantity of her life, can't happen". It's more painful than one can imagine, and you wish nothing of that sort ever happens to any of your nears and dears. Cos, no words does help. You do look for the words, you long to hear something that can take away the pain and worse, you know all the words that will be said too but then again, any words don't help to ease the pain. Not even a bit. That's what I replied to Jassi too, nothing can help. Stay strong brother. That's all.
I have heard a lot for myself. Heartless, careless, hopeless, drama person, rude, arrogant, egoistic, righteous, disrespectful, self-centered, cold, uncompassionate and may be many more accolades too, which I can't recall right now. May be I am just all of that, some of that, or none of that cos when you are told what you say is a mere tantrum, a drama and tears are equivalent of someone who didn't study before the exam and now, is crying over , you just accept that you really are just that bad and cheap, and all those accolades just fit you perfectly. But yeah, some times, may be once or twice, if not more, tears are not just there as a filler, as a mere dispaly. Some time, they actually depict pain. I have seen quite a share of pain, lot of tough days but today's chain of events, especially this last message of Jassi, made this day a lot more worse. Just when I thought it can't happen, it again did.
Read a quote somewhere long back, fits perfectly- I am glad we live only once cos I can't do this shit again!
Lastly, the pandemic is real, and so is the death caused by it. Be safe, don't think that due to some jerks who go out wearing no mask, party and then post on the internet, saying it's all just a hoax, it's a a hoax, it actually is. I wrote last night, it has happened around us. Friends have passed away of mine. For not just anyone, for your own god damn sake, stay the eff inside and protect your family, friends, whoever you care about. Cos you don't have an iota of the idea what death is and how hard it hits when it's not you who is dead but you have the misfortune to the dead body of someone whom you loved and cared about, worse, your parents. Nothing is there that can prepare you for that sight. Nothing!
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