Aman's Blog....

Some time, when one is quiet, doesn't show his pain ,tears, how grief stricken he is, most people think that he is just fine. At time, when one says something, it's perceived as playing a victim card. Even considered as a "story".  I got a message for the  last post  of mine which went like this," who has time to read such a long story." Well, simple answer is that none has and certainly one shouldn't read. In fact, I did mention that you don't need to read as it's a long post and certainly not a happy post. It was not about any story and if you have the audacity to say to one who wrote something while being in tears, with his entire self shattered into pieces, then please, don't read a random person's random post/story/whatever. There are certainly better things to do in the world, at least better than reading about how it feels when one has lost his mother. Like I said, you can't understand someone's grief, pain for the very sim

This moment came earlier too in my life.  Though I knew it's coming again but like I always said, nothing can prepare you for some moments, I wasn't prepared the first time. And then the moment came, did hit and shattered me. Same thing happened again. Again, the moment came and has now shattered whatever the rest of me was left.  I tried to write but stopped several times. Some time, I just couldn't find any words. I had been trying to write in bits and pieces. At times, I couldn't write a single word without my eyes being filled with tears.  Last time, it took me much longer to write cos I had to take care of my mom at home, had to ensure that no one, especially she, would see me in tears while writing. That's why I had to wait for the travel to come to be alone. But this time, it's different. I don't need go for a travel to find a lonely place to write and most importantly, I don't have anyone now to look over that anyone shouldn’t see me crying. I am

I didn't have any plan to write anything. Sitting in the hall of the hospital, last thing that comes to your mind is to write a blog post. But just experienced, yet again, how except your parents,  whom you respect, touch feet, treat you like a piece of garbage, of no importance and even more, any sign of frown shown by you is also just considered being unreasonable. That too when you have done what's right, congratulate on a good, happy news. My mind is already stuck in too many things, worries and fears. Of course I don't matter but it doesn't mean, my value is equivalent to a piece of rug or a pile of garbage. Can't say I want to cry  cos even that is called  a tantrum/drama. So as I have heard, chuck it . 

I have just managed to sit down in this corridor. It's been a long day and it's just the start of long days, probably. I sat just now not cos that I am relaxed but cos I just wanted to sit for a moment otherwise I shall probably crash. Sleep anyways hasnt been around from few days. I left my room very early in the morning, drove almost 300kms today back and forth and been running around. For some who know me personally beyond this web space, they are(I hope few at least) aware that for me, I don't really care about me much or at all. Not that I am proud of it or something like that. But it's okay if something happens to me. But anything happening to my own people, that is not something that lets me sit peacefully. I can and I do, handle almost all the things but when I see I can't do anything except just following what the experts say to do, especially with a sense of foreboding, it's tough to stay sane. I don't want to think bad but I have a hunch of what&#

 I just checked in into my room here. My head is spinning right now. Its been couplr of hours of running around since evening. This pandemic has now hit inside the family. Not really sure what to say. Just hoping that things go better soon.

What's the worse thing that you can ask someone to do who is sitting idle, have no work and is already pissed off- engage him in a debate and give him wisdom that's actually bull crap. So the same just happened.  I have been already in a bad mood lately. If you are new here, that's not how I am all the time but when I am, I really am and from last few days, I have been just that-upset. Though for some, me being upset is just a display of tantrum and a drama.  Anyways, there is this protest of farmers going on. I usually don't contradict anyone to whatever they say-either about me or otherwise. It's fine. One can say whatever they want. But today, I don't know I happened to get engaged in a messaging platform with few of my known folks. Not that I needed to vent out my anger somewhere but it's a lot of crap that's being said by those people in that group and funny enough, they know nothing about it. And just because some influential people are echoing wha

 What an effing day it is turning out to be. Just read this,  Vikas Sharma death: Republic Bharat anchor Vikas Sharma passed away - TheNewsCrunch Thanks to this effing pandemic. I don't like RTv and nor do I like most of their reporters. But I did see Vikas Sharma's show some time and he had his own style. He stood out. And just like that, he is gone today! What an effing loss! I hadn't even wiped my face yet and this just came in. Gosh how worse this day could go anymore. Damn it! Damn it! 

 At times, you set out for something else and a complete opposite chain of events just shake you up. It's just one of those days cos one after the other, worse things happened.  I had a session which got cancelled cos participants had to attend some meetings internally. Now, that's the only work that I had in about 2 months and now, it's gone too. There is one that's being planned but I shall need to travel to Hyderabad for it. I am not sure that I really want to do that but beggars can't be choosers so if nothing will come up, I may take the risk and travel too. Since I didn't have any work, I thought I shall get some stuff to eat, give some stuff for dry cleaning etc. And if you have read the previous post, I got my right foot twisted. So that was the first thing that happened. I stopped the car and a freaking pole fell on my windshield, thanks to corrosion and busted the glass. Now, that's just so effing frustrating that you are not making any money and y

 I started writing this post in the night. For some, what I say or do is just a play/drama/tantrum. But I am sure, some must be wondering too that why just so many posts? Don't I have any real work to do? Well, yeah, I don't have. And I have nothing else to do right now, I can't go out thanks to this pandemic and I couldn't sleep(it was 2AM) either so what is it that I can do except sitting and writing? I used to do a lot of writing. But after 2011, a lot of change did come in me. May be will mention some of it some other time but yeah, it did happen for sure. That's the reason I stopped or I did write here and there but it didn't continue. I am trying now that I stay put.  So I am having a cup of coffee right now and finally thought to finish this post, with a hot pad on the foot. It seems that I have twisted it while cleaning the verandah. It was raining and I wanted to wipe it when the rain stopped. Left hand was already messed up and now foot has joined too.

I just came to know that today, another neighbor succumbed due to this pandemic. Few days ago, another one, right behind my place, recovered first, later had developed some issue in his lungs, passed away. This marks 9 deaths so far, with 3 in the series of homes next to where I am.  Heard that  UK has found more coronavirus cases with 'concerning' mutations . Today, in a different city in the state, in a school of young kids, as much as 15 kids and few teachers came out to be infected and the school had to shut down. Not sure what to say. Mind just goes numb hearing all these news. That's all!  Today's news just brought the memory of few months ago. I wrote about one of my neighbors  who also didn't survive. Later  his last ritual ceremony was there  which I didn't attend cos of so much rush. It's still difficult to fathom that he is no more and the effing tale of these bad times is still going on. Few days ago, I was called by above-mentioned neighbor'

I called a friend today since I saw him standing with some cops couple of days ago in front of his house. I wanted to know if everything is okay. Turned out,  some hot exchange happened between a group of his workers off the factory and that got escalated. Anyway, I just was thinking about another common friend of us who left for overseas almost 10 years ago. I am not sure why, one day before, I spoke with him. Next day, I saw his update that he has finally seen the "best morning of his life". I knew that he had a case going on immigration but I couldn't understand why he didn't tell me, that too a day before his departure. Not only that, from that day onwards, he stopped communicating. And here we are talking of the people who joined their high school together. For almost everything, I was there. Anyways, after few of my messages, I stopped sending him any messages too. This guy, with whom I spoke with today, is in regular contact with him. Why the overseas friend ke

Some time, due to a lot of  things/happenings of your past, you change. At times, for good and some time, for not being so good. You don't even realize that you are changing or have changed. It's only when you are pointed, poked or made to see, you realize that it has happened. May be previously, you could do something in jiffy but after a while, the same activity takes time. May be before, you would say something and don't care/bother about its implications/impacts on others but later, you realize how bad it was for you to say. You don't realize  your change. Even if it's not apparent to you, it's impactful on others. What you have made yourself may bring pain/tears/sorrows/frustration and worse, a sense of despair to others, to those whom you don't want to see in that manner. Even if you don't want that, wished that, intended that but you see it happen. You know you didn't mean to do any of that, but it still happens.  Words spoken, impact. But wor

Some time, you are just stuck in thinking. Not that it helps, not that it does any good. But still. Don't know, not getting the thoughts across. 

 At times, you come across some words/verses/poetry that just is so close to you what you want to say/feel. Like I said before, gestures/subtleties, they have their own value and worth. Just cos someone says, something and someone doesn't or loud enough, it doesn't make his/her affection/care/love/pain/anger any less. Depicting the same sentiment, I came across some beautiful lines penned by Abbas Qamar.  Here are the lines in Hindi/Urdu first.  Ashqon ko aarju-e-rihai hai, royie! Aankhon ki ab isi mein bhalai hai, roiye! Rona madavaa-e-ghume duniya, nahin  to kya, Kam se kam ehtejaj-e-khudia hai, roiye! Tasleem kar liya hai jo khud ko charaag-e-haq,  Dunia kadam kadam pe sabai hai, roiye! Khush hain toh phir musafir-e-dunia nahin hain aap, Is dasht mein sirf aabla-pai hai, roiye. Hum hain aseer-e-zabt, izazat nahin humein, Ro paa rahe hain aap, badhai hai, roiye! And it's translation in English,  Tears have a desire to be set free, cry! That's what is the best for eyes

Imagine, you are a young kid. It's Diwali and you are at home. You, like all the kids of your age, want to play with crackers, have sweets. But you see something and you become quiet. You distract your sibling and you just start doing something else. Imagine that you are standing outside a shop, watching behind the glass window, a toy car. You know you want one, you really want one. You open your mouth to say that and then, you just go quiet. You buy an actual car, but still, the pain of not been able to get that car, not even for a moment, still remains with you. Imagine, that one fine night, you are in your room, at a hotel. You have just finished your day work, had dinner and now, you are playing music on your laptop. And next day, you are on a flight, for a journey that you don't want to end. You don't want to go to that very place where you are ready to go all the time. You are told not to cry and you pledge you won't. At least, not in front of anyone. You learn to