Random Thoughts….

I got a call from a friend of mine whom I met about 4 years back when I went for a training. He was a participant, a really good, nice , intelligent and technical guy. Though all the guys were so much good in the session, he was a little different from all because one, he was almost of my age( turned out later that he is actually older than me) , second, he is also a Punjabi guy, third, he was very friendly. After the end of the session, I invited him and his wife for dinner at my hotel and both kindly accepted my invitation. We did a lot of talk and had a good time speaking about lots of other things other than oracle. His wife is also very nice. Needless to mention, it was one of the best moments for me because it doesn’t happen very often. I was very happy to hear that they did like this (bad, stubborn and god knows what else) guy so much too and asked me to be in touch for the rest of the life. I am not a sort of person who would promise and wont keep it and I did promise that I won’t forget them ever and will be in touch. Years passed, I did send them couple of text messages on various occasions but they didn’t go through. When we were dining, they mentioned that they were planning to relocate and I thought that they might have done it actually now and the number is changed now. I still had the older number stored with me and there was no email that I had with me to contact any of them. I thought that it may be now never that I am going to see them again.

I mentioned in the last post that I went for an overseas trip which I planned and worked hard to do because I promised that I shall do it no matter what (little did I know that I would be punished so hard  for doing so) . I was in a very upset mood at that time because there were many issues coming in it. I won’t mention those issues here because if I am being alive or dead doesn’t matter, those issues really does stand anywhere. So leaving them apart, I was just sitting outside my home in a real upset mood after a really heated talk with my travel guy when I got a call from an unknown number. There was a lady speaking on the other side and she asked, is it Aman? Well, unfortunately, this bad guy Aman is still alive so the answer was yes. She asked me that do you remember me, we had dinner together? Now, it’s there that I don’t forget anything and anyone but at that time, I was not able to think anything because was in so much of tension. So I said, I am sorry , I can’t recall that I have had a dinner with you ever, so who is it? Then she explained to me that you came to this city and you had a dinner with me and my husband and she told me her name and her husband’s name. And in an instant, I recalled everything. She was very happy and indeed I was too. I asked that how did they get my number and she said that they never had missed it, it was with them all the time. She even mentioned that they tried to call me many times but my phone was switched off and I can imagine it happening so well because most of the times I am traveling and my phone is off. She told me that they have relocated and now they are in another city, fortunately, a city where I travel very often. She said that she will tell her husband to call me and once I am there, I must visit them. Needless to say that I was so happy. Those days, in the last month, were how much stressful and painful for me, only I know it and no one else but that came phone call came like a small burst of rain for a very heated desert.

I got the call from my friend later in the night the same day and he was very happy. He asked me to come and visit them both and have a dinner with them for sure when the next time I shall be in the city again. Also he asked me to keep in touch now for sure. After few days I went to overseas, thinking that I am doing something which I promised to someone that I shall do no matter what but turned out that I "just did what I always want”. I guess I have mentioned it before as well that even before I could back to home, my punishments got started. May be I am just so bad that I don’t do anything good at all, heck may be I am just not good at all. Anyways, I got a chance to be in the same city of my friend and he was calling me like crazy asking me that when I am coming for dinner. I was(still not) feeling well but I decided to go for sure no matter what because I promised and he was really so happy that I would be coming, not just him, his wife as well. I couldn’t make it on the day I promised and both very really upset. But next day, I did visit them. We had dinner, talked for so long , about so many things. He asked me tons of things, for some I answered ,for some I passed the questions. It was a great evening spent and seeing them so happy for a bad guy like me coming and visiting them, when I got back home, my eyes were filled with tears. My friend asked me that I must visit them on weekend but I couldn’t do so because I have an overseas travel assigned for me almost all of a sudden. I couldn’t inform him that I won’t be coming to see him. He called me after waiting for so long that where I am and was so angry that I have to leave and wont be staying for the weekend. I somehow did tell him that I shall be visiting them for sure whenever the next I shall be coming back to the city and I definitely will.

I am sitting here at my friend Sidhu’s place all alone because he is not here and has gone to his home. My another friend Ankit has gone out to get some work done. And me, I am just lost in thoughts thinking about many many things. On one side, I am so happy that my friend was so happy that I came to see him and was almost going crazy and on another side, I am thinking something that I did thinking that I shall make someone so much happy but all I got was so much of punishment for doing it. I was so happy to see that he was so concerned that I wont be coming and seeing him on the weekend. And I was also thinking about another event where I….nothing! I won’t mention anything here but I don’t know what so wrong I did that even I am so much angry, hurt, was almost dead, it wouldn’t have mattered at all. There are tons of things in the heart but it’s okay. I guess, I am just so much bad and haven’t done anything good at all ever! But still, even I am so much bad, may be haven’t done anything good at all ever too but still, is it right to be so harsh on someone for no fault of his? Is it right to just say when is told that you didn’t even ask how he was, “sorry my bad, get well soon” like it doesn’t matter at all? Is it right that knowing that someone did something only because for one reason that he promised doing so despite understanding all the things, knowing that the other person won’t be able to do, still say to him that he just does what he wants only all the time? Is it right to not even bother that someone is in so much anger and is in drowned in tears, yet to leave saying I have to leave now? Is it right that when someone expected nothing but just few things knowing that that’s all what he can have for him, still not bothering about it and doing just what one wants? Is it right? NO ITS NOT! I have said already, its so easy to make a promise and then come and say that it’s not possible to do for one reason or the other, it’s just so easy to do it! It’s so easy to sit quietly and saying, I am sorry I can’t do anything because I have these many problems but it takes a lot, A LOT to do something for words given! Its so easy to do things just for yourself but it takes a lot to do even one small thing for someone else , someone who is very special. It takes nothing to give pain and tears but it takes a lot to take away the pain. And how much pain given by the loved ones hurts, one has to have it to really know about it. How it feels when tears drop down from eyes to cheeks non-stop while sitting in the corner of the bed, trying to think that whether you are really so bad, what so wrong that you did, was it so much to expect just a few smiles too, what did you miss in doing that you got just tears and pains for no fault of yours, how these questions haunt and hurt you, one can only understand when those tears are coming from your own eyes. And when you are in so much pain, in tears, angry and hurt and yet see that it doesn’t matter at all, not even this that you are dead or alive to that person who has given you this punishment without even thinking for a moment, one whom you love so much,  how much it hurts, words are and can’t be enough to describe it, won’t be able to express it ever!

Tears are rolling through the eyes at the moment. I want to write but may be, mind is not working. I have got to leave in few hours for a very tough session. So I better get up and start doing the packing now. I haven’t done any study for it yet. I hope all goes fine. I had decided to stop doing this traveling job but I won’t stop it, at least for some more time. I shall be dead  soon but I guess, I  shall be dead sooner if I shall stop traveling and pushing my limits while doing so. Time to be on the road now for a long, lonely and tough trip.