The Reason….

I started writing this post in my last visit to Thailand, which happened few days ago. I still couldn’t finish it. So whenever  I could sit for some time, I tried to write and finally, brought the post to an end. I haven’t checked it for any typos and/or other mistakes. I shall finish the reading of it again some other time and shall do any corrections too if needed.
I am sitting here in my class room at Oracle’s Thailand office at Crowne Plaza after finishing my session, wondering what I should be feeling, happiness that I finished the session with EXTREMELY good rating or sad since thinking that I won’t be able to share the news with my dad like I always did today(and ever) . Just the same thing that I have in my mind for the year 2011, not sure should I be happy about it or should I mark it as one of the saddest years of my life, a year in which my dad has left me and my family for forever and has gone to that God whom he prayed and worshipped all his life, who didn’t even give us a chance even to save his life and took him so early without letting him see any happiness that his son wanted to show. Truly speaking, I have really no idea what to feel.
People say that whenever you wish, you must be happy and hopeful that the wish would come true and with that, happiness would come too. I am not sure that I can say that for myself. Those who know me well(the count of such people is too less, just 3 members of my family , they are well aware about the fact that I haven’t wished anything for myself ever! Okay, may be that’s not completely true. As a matter of fact,  I did wish some things at times just for me too though the count of that is too less(just thrice up till now). The people I have mentioned, they know the details of those wishes so I won’t be mentioning them again here but still would give a brief hint about all the three. First one was for a banjo( a musical instrument) which I wished for when I was just a small kid, and, I never could get it. Actually. it was right in front of me but still I couldn’t get it. I know that many would say that I can go and buy one any time now and yes, I can but that’s not the point. A wish which gets complete timely is only which brings happiness. And moreover, I had it in front of me but I had to say that its okay, I don’t want it. I won’t mention the reasons of it, but trust me, for a kid of about 10, this would be a really tough thing to do and it was. I didn’t wish for anything after that incident for the reasons which are well known to those 4 people. Than I wished something again many years after that! In 2006, that wish and with it, a very big part of me died. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, I couldn’t make myself dead  and got the punishment to be alive, yet like being dead for every single day of my life. I still accepted to do that because of my family, since there were many things which were needed to be done and I was the only one on whom all eyes were set. I really didn’t wish to be alive and made the best of my efforts to make myself leave this world but may be that God too didn’t want me. And then I had a mammoth task in front of me to manage many things and matters. Things which were far important than me, my existence and anything related to me like my sister’s wedding, my parents wish to see their son bringing happiness to the home, to the family. I was very much dead(and today, even more dead than that) but I accepted my responsibility wishing that I shall be able to do all what my family is expecting me to do and that let that God be my witness, I did my best to do all what I could do accomplish it!
It took me 5 years to work like a machine, buried myself in work without bothering/caring about health/happiness/anything and tried to get things done which were needed for my sister’s wedding and also to bring a little happiness at my home. I am not sure that how well I did but yes, I tried my best. Than again, I did wish for a little happiness in this year’s starting for something. But as like always, happiness and me don’t go along very well. Rather than meeting happiness, the year 2011 started with me being in the hospital for few days,again! I wished again to die but it didn’t happen. I was so much hurt, was in so much pain and just wanted to go away, very far away from this world but I was again left by God to be alive. Once again, I had to make myself stand up forgetting me and looking and caring for some more important things. As I said, I don’t matter and I didn’t want anything for me anymore  but I still wanted so much see smiles on the faces of my sister and parents, something which is far more bigger, important and precious than my own happiness, than my complete self. In year 2011, in the month of May, my sister finally got married and fortunately, we got a very good family and a very good match for her. I am not sure that I could ask for something better than the family that we have got for my sister and with every breath, I feel so happy for her. Finally, I was hoping that I could say that this year 2011 would be the one which I would remember for some smiles and happiness, a mistake which I shouldn’t had made. I should had known that I am not the one who is supposed to hope and wish because whenever I did so, I got much more sadness and tears than I could handle. But what to do, no matter how stone hearted I try to make myself, I am still a human being, am still a guy whose used to love to smile and be happy, two things which I have completely forgotten now to do. Anyways, I still wished that year 2011 would be added in my diary of life as a happy year,without knowing that not only that this wish would not come true but the punishment to do this wishing would be even more worse and hard. And just when one wish was not enough, I wished something else too, this time for my mom and dad on this Diwali, for the very first time in my life, I was all set to do something, just for them and again I forgot, that God has not given me option to be happy, no matter how small that happiness might be!
Those who know me well enough beyond the blog and other places of my web-presence, they know it so well that what and how much my mom and did for me. Yes for my sister as well but for me, they did far too much hoping that despite that all the pains, troubles and struggles, one day , their son would bring them the good days, the happy days. I don’t know how well I could meet their expectations? I guess, I haven’t met it all but be that god my witness, I tried my best to do so and I shall keep on trying to do the same as long as I can! I won’t put any details of those painful days and period of struggle here. So far, I have told just one person while sitting in a tea house on an airport besides my family and that’s about it. That pain would be in my heart buried somewhere deep for the rest of my life. I never forgot that pain, those times, anyone who contributed to increase that pain for my family and I wont ever do that too! Its just that I never forget anything and when it comes about those whom I love and care so much, it can’t happen at all that I shall forget even the smallest of the things. Anyways, though I haven’t done worth mentioning in my opinion for my family but I just wished this year that on Diwali, I would bring my dad and mom to some good place for a dinner/lunch. They could never go since they spent all their time( and money) working so damn hard for their son so that they could make him capable to go to such places. And it did hurt me always whenever I would go to any place to eat either alone or with someone that my dad and mom never have seen such places and could be here. Yes, this was one of those many things which I have kept in my heart like always(there is so much (and mostly painful) about many things and people that is there in this heart and would stay here only) but forgot about it. On this Diwali, I just thought to give this small gift to my mom and dad that I would take them some big place with me. Yes, many would say, so what, that’s not something so big to do. Yes,may be for most, its just nothing but for me, it was a big thing! It was because it took me many moons working so hard to be capable enough to make it happen, because I have seen very closely, even when was just a kid, how much my mom and dad gave up and let go, to make things better for their son and daughter. And for all such reasons, at least for me, it was a big thing to do. I wanted to show them that look mom and dad, finally, your son is capable today to bring you at this place and you must be happy. My mom can’t eat from outside because of her heart trouble and other health issues and my dad also never was a big fan of eating outside. But I still wanted to bring them both to some place. Just a small wish from a guy who didn’t know that it won’t ever come true and would remain in his heart as  a wish only for the rest of his life. A wish, which would hurt me like a broken piece of glass is struck some where deep in you, giving you pain all the time. Had I known that doing so would just bring so much of pain, I swear to that god( if he is there anywhere) that I would never ever have done that!
I really wouldn’t have dared to make any wish had I known what that God was planning to bring for me and my family as a punishment for doing so!
I was supposed to go to Goa with my friends but something came up and I went to my home. It was for 3 days and that was the last time which I spent with my dad and mom together. I had to fly to Banglore and as like any normal day of my travel, my dad came to drop me to the bus stand, made me board the bus. I touched his feet as like always( my mom later told me that he was always so proud on me for doing so. She said he always used to say, whole bus looks at him with so much of jealous that his son touches his feet before he would leave) and would call home to tell that I am leaving and dad is coming to home. Everything was going on normally. On the bloody day even, I talked to him in the evening when he and mom went to the city to bring the gifts for my sister’s first ever fast of KarvaChauth. Dad bought all the stuff which she really liked and told mom that the next morning, when she would be visiting home, he would give to her. I spoke to mom and dad and in the evening before going for dinner and dad said, all is fine and I shouldn’t worry. He always had said the same and I always knew that he is so strong and I really shouldn’t be worried. It is my mom who is really sick and many times, I have seen her touching death but dad was always healthy and strong so I was always assured. In the night at about 11pm, when I was sitting in front my system preparing for the next day, I got a call from my mom and somehow, just looking at it I was so much worried because she would never call me so late in the night. When I picked the call, she was screaming and crying. She told to me that aman, dad is not there. For a moment, I just couldn’t understand what she said, may be I did understand but I didn’t want to believe on it. I again asked and she just said the same again while crying and screaming so much! I heard it loud and clear but I couldn’t  believe on my ears what I just heard and somehow, I didn’t want to believe on it even now. I immediately called my friends Saini and Athi to go and check(both reached in 5 minutes) at home. By that time, already the neighbors had taken dad to the nearby hospital, where later on my friends also reached. I was calling them so madly to know what’s going on. First they just told me that dad is in the emergency but then, after few minutes, they said, “Aman, just come, your dad is no more with us”. I just can’t forget that moment when I heard that. I just sat on the chair which was in my room, still trying to not to believe on what I just heard. But it was the truth and it wasn’t going to change whether I wanted to believe it or not. My dad went so far from me, my sister and my mom, without telling us, without showing us any signs that he is going to go so far and without even letting us have a chance to stop him some how too. And the biggest punishment he gave, was to me that I couldn’t even be with him at that time. I couldn’t even see him for the last time being alive, couldn’t even hug him like I always used to do before I would go to bed! My friends told me that doctors have told that he was already dead when he was brought to the hospital which means that he passed away at home only. I just called my manager to inform him and that was the time, when I just couldn’t stop my tears( just like now). Though I told him what had happened, I was just thinking what I would do now? For the very first time in my life, I was scared, I was scared that today I have become all alone, something which I never thought would happen like the way it just happened, so sudden, so soon and without any signs( My dad was just 60 and was perfectly fine) .  I was shivering sitting all alone in that hotel room and was wishing so hard that someone just would come and give a hug to me. But there wasn’t going to be any who would had come. I was all alone and now, all I wanted to do was to get back to home to see my mom whom I knew would be in a very bad state. She has some really serious health issues, that much serious that 4 years back, doctors had told me that all they are going to do with the medicines that they would make the “quality” of life better and I must not ask them to make the “quantity” of her life longer. I was cautioned not to do/say/make anything happen in front of her either too happy or too sad because anything too much and sudden would just be too much for her to handle. I tried my best to maintain this in all these last 4 years but God just gave her the biggest and most saddest moment of her life and there was nothing that I could do to stop it. I knew that she would have complete lost herself and I just wanted to be with her as soon as possible. I booked the flight and started probably the longest travel of my life. I would always feel so happy when I had to travel back to home but this time, I just was feeling that my legs were weighing like a ton each and refusing to move at all. I really wanted someone to come along with me but just like the hotel room,there wasn’t anyone who would be accompanying me and doesn’t matter how, I had to go all alone only back to home.
When I called up for the flight to be booked, I was crying so much but when I got in the cab, I got a call from my friend and from the father-in-law of my sister that my mother’s condition is not well at all. My sister and her husband had already reached by that time to the hospital and were knew about everything already. I called up my friend and he said that my mom is not at all in a condition that she has to be told the truth and no matter how I would do, I must not cry when I shall reach home and see her. I was getting calls from my mom all the time and I just kept on telling lie to her that dad is fine mom and he would come back to home next morning, I shall bring him to home. That god only knows that how I stopped my tears and was saying this to her. My sister said the same to her and when I reached Bombay at about 7am, my mom called to say that have something. I started the journey at about 2am and all I had a glass of water. I told her that I am going to eat right now and she must not be worried. I don’t know anyone would believe me or not and I don’t care too if no one won’t  but I didn’t cry. Yes, I didn’t cry at all while talking to her even for a moment over the phone. When I was sitting in my final flight from Bombay, I was just looking out from the window of the plane and thinking that why I just wished to take my mom and dad to some place, why I just didn’t take them rather than wishing for it when I always knew that with me, wishes don’t and won’t come true, no matter how big or small they may be!
I somehow reached Chandigarh and it was about 11am by that time. By that time, the news was already broken in front of my mom because it wasn’t possible to hold her any longer from going to the hospital and to see dad, for which she was insisting to do since early morning. When I called my friend, he just said, we all need you here so just come as soon as you can. He paused for a moment and said before putting down the phone, I know its not the right thing to say and ask from you, but when you would reach home, don’t cry at all else you would lose your mom too! Tears dropped through my eyes and I really wished that I must die right now. I felt so alone at that time, so scared , just like a small kid who can’t find in the crowd, just like that! I promised him that I won’t cry, no matter what I have to do but I won’t cry and I ended the call. I did say this to him but the truth was, despite my best efforts, I wasn’t able to completely stop the tears or could hide them.  My cab driver, when I did put the phone down, asked me, “kya hua sir, bahot tensed lag rahe ho(what happened sir, you are looking so tensed” and at that time, I don’t know why, tears busted from my eyes and I told him that my father has passed away. He just said so sorry and I told him to drive as fast as he can so that I could reach home. I still somewhere in my heart was wishing that someone would tell me that dad is okay and is going to be fine but it wasn’t going to happen. I promised myself that I won’t cry at all and also,  I won’t speak a word about dad with anyone, not even with mom and sis too and I haven’t, till now, I haven’t spoken anything to anyone and I won’t too!
When I reached home, all were there, crying and my mom and sister….I don’t know how to express how they were and what was their condition! I just wished that I must had died than seeing them like that but the bloody death had never listened to me in the past too and this time also, it wasn’t going to do what I wanted! I just hugged my mom and sister. I told them both that don’t be worried and a completely stupid thing that don’t cry, I am still alive. I told them not to cry and I was holding my tears too but in the reality, I wanted to cry so much. I wanted to tell all who were standing there that for the first time in his life, Aman was feeling so scared and was needing someone to hug him so tight but I didn’t say a word to anyone because I couldn’t make my mom and sister’s condition more worse by showing them my own tears. I promised to everyone and to myself that I won’t cry and Aman wouldn’t break his promise ever, doesn’t matter what, especially when it is directly linked with the best being of his mother and sister. I was told that I had to go to the morgue to bring dad’s body so I just went with two friends of mine. I don’t know what to say and more importantly how to say,  that my dad, whom I left home just 5 days back completely fine, now I had to see him wrapped in that bloody white sheet with no life in him and had to bring him to home in this condition. I opened that sheet and saw his face and I just was wishing that he would speak up and would scold me to leave him there all alone the whole night but he didn’t say a word even. I just hugged him when no one was looking and covered his face again. Tears were dropping from my eyes but I had to stop them because I still had the biggest and worst thing to do, to take dad in this condition to home, in front of mom and my sister. When I reached home with dad’s body, my mom and sister….I don’t know how to put that moment in words here, I just don’t know.
I never knew anything about the cremation ceremonies i.e. what needs to be done, how to be done etc? My dad always did everything whenever it was an unfortunate event of someone’s death in his parental family. Even when my grand-mother died, he said that let’s not take Aman along because he is not supposed to see and learn all this right now.  He never did let any thing bad or sad happen or come to us and tried to handle it just by himself, as much as he could! So I just knew nothing! What anyone told, I just followed that and while doing so, just was crying inside that today my dad is not there to tell me anything, to guide me, to tell me that Aman don’t be worried, all is fine! Yes, I did finish all the rituals and I tried to do everything in the best way I could since it wasn’t for just anyone but for my dad but now, no one would tell me ever that its all fine and I must be assured and not to worry. And I didn’t cry, at least not in front of anyone, at least not how much I want,  to show somehow that how (not so) strong I am!
I had to come for this session since someone else couldn’t get his documents sorted out. And this was the first time when I had to come to step out of home without being accompanied by my dad. If you are a regular here and have read my past blog posts related to my travels, you must be aware that my dad always had come with me to drop me at bus stand/railway station and would leave only when I was all set to leave too. For the first time ever in all these years, I took the auto to reach the bus stand myself, stood all alone there and finally took the bus too. My eyes were searching for my dad but he was nowhere. I got a message from my friend who asked me that why I went for the session and it seems all is just okay for me and just at that time, I replied to her (with so much of anger and tears in the eyes) that just because I am not saying anything, does not mean that all is okay for me! I just so wish I could get a hug and I could cry my heart out and could say it all what is there in the heart but I won’t! I know I have to act strong, for my mom and sister and that leaves no space for me to cry and ask for a shoulder to cry upon. Its okay. I won’t wish for it too, have seen the outcome of wishing a little too much I believe!
I have to stop writing because I am still in the office and I don’t want anyone to come in here and than I have to explain that why I was crying. I don’t know when I shall be able to finish this post so let’s see when I shall add anything more to what I have said just now.
Added at Sri Lanka….
I have reached my hotel room. My mom’s condition wasn’t well at all when this time I had to come here. She was in tears and there are many more things happening at home which are making all of us so upset. I thought I shall write this post only when I am out of home because I don’t want anyone to see the tears of my eyes. I thought this time, I shall be able to finish the post but I don’t think that’s going to happen. Its about 11pm and I have to start a session from tomorrow. So I believe, I again have to put this post on hold for some more time, not sure till when.
Added today….
This is my 3rd attempt to finish this post. I am at home and am not keeping well at all since last few days. But still me being unhealthy or whatever doesn’t really matter. What’s more worse is the time and though, I haven’t mentioned it to anyone, I am broken almost completely from inside and being like this, its so tough to handle and control things. On this 11th, it was the marriage anniversary of my mom and dad and on this 13th, it was the birthday of my sister. I just don’t know what to say to express what I am feeling at the moment besides this that things are going to be even more worse in the next few days, especially in Jan when on 20th it would be my dad’s birthday coming up.
I have heard this already and especially in the last few days so many times( and I know this as well) that one has to be strong, if not for himself than for the people who are alive. I wish it could be so simple to do, I really wish!I wish that somehow, it could be told to my mom who is just thinking that despite the facts that its she who is almost always sick and so many times, has come this close to be dead, its she who is still alive and my dad, who was completely fine has gone. I don’t know how to answer this question of her when she asks me that why that God whom my father worshipped so much all of his life, didn’t even let anyone have a small chance to try to save him and why God has taken him so soon? She has said to me so many times already by now that she was already counting her days and that count has just become far too lesser now and I hate to say it but I know its true. My mother is so strong and I can very very proudly say that she has seen so much struggle and problems in her life, still she has always faced them so bravely but this loss of my father, after 37 years of being together, has completely broken her! Me and my sister are trying all what’s possible in anyways to make her calm down but that’s not working very well. I just wish at least this won’t happen so soon and in the same way like my father because one) on that day, Aman would be completely finished, may be not from outside but from inside and two), I am not that strong too to hide my tears so many times. I have done it already it twice, in 2006 and now in 2011 and I really don’t have any strength left in me to do it for the third time. As I said already, a big part of me is already dead and whatever is left, will be gone too when my mom would leave me for forever.
I haven’t spoken with anyone, about my feelings, about what I going through. So I am just going to put something here, some things which I want to say to my dad, just to him!Daddy, I am so sorry for not being there. I am so sorry that I couldn’t do anything for you, to make not this happen. I am so sorry that I couldn’t make you enjoy any good moments, to make you see that your son has given the answers to all those bastards who insulted you. I am so sorry papa! I am not a good son, I am really not! I  miss you so much daddy. I miss you more than I can say and much more than I have told to anyone. I am all alone today and even though I am so much big, I am feeling so scared! With you, when you were there, I was not scared but today, I am daddy. I am telling mom and sis every day, every moment that I am there with them and no matter what, I shall make sure that nothing bad would happen to them but I am feeling so scared daddy. I haven’t cried in front of them at all. I haven’t told them anything, haven’t even talked about you at all with them, with anyone. I am sure some must be feeling/saying that what kind of son I am who is so quite but dad, the truth is, I want to talk so much about you. I just don’t want anyone to see my in tears, haven’t shown them to anyone ever and now, for mom and sis, just can’t! Mom has asked me so many times, gave her swear that I must talk, must cry in front of her but I didn’t daddy, I didn’t! You know,the first time when I went out without you, I picked my bag myself and boarded the bus, something which you never let me do when you were there. You always were there when I would come back to pick me up, now I just come all alone. I get down from the bus and there is no one there whose feet I can touch, who would hug me and ask that all went well naa! I just wait there that I may see you coming from the roundabout like I used to see you coming waving your hand but it doesn’t happen and I just stop the auto and come back home. Mom has told me not to take the auto because she is scared that those auto drivers would rob me and kill me. But dad, you know that buses don’t go that place from where she wants me to take the auto. I have told her a lie though that I take the auto from the same place which she has told me. I am sorry papa. I am so much sick and went to take the medicine on my own. I didn’t say anything to anyone. I have learned to go to banks, to buy things for home, to pay all the bills, everything. I have learned all this dad. I have told sis not to worry too because I am there. But daddy, one thing I haven’t said to both mom and sis, I want you so much to be there for me. I am all alone dad, you have left me all alone here and I just don’t know what to do, how to put a strong face and just pretend that I am just okay. You know dad, mom told me that very soon that she would be coming to meet you. I had scolded her so much but she just kept on saying the same thing. I am feeling so scared daddy. I really am feeling so scared! I miss you so much, I really really do!
Its time for me to wash the face before anyone would come to my room and would see my tears. I had tried to write and finish this post in the past couple of times but I just couldn’t, for many reasons among which the biggest was that I didn’t want to write anything which would make me cry seeing which, by whatever way, my mom and sister would become even more sad than they are right now. Today, I told my mom and sister that I want to sleep a little early and have asked them to sleep too because I wanted to finish this post. I want to say so much but I won’t or may be, I just can’t. I don’t want anyone to see me in tears, haven’t let anyone know ever about it. Just one person knows I believe that what does it mean when I would say that I am sitting in a park. But I can’t stop these tears, I really wish to but I just can’t, despite knowing that I must act strong for my family. No matter how intelligent, strong people think of me, I really don’t know how to stop these tears to be honest! To avoid letting them come to my eyes or at least as an effort to make them not visible to anyone else, I didn’t write this post’s much of the content while being at home. In fact, its just the last part which I have finished writing of today. Thanks to all those who sent me emails and messages asking the reason for my absence and silence. I believe, the answer of that question is this post. As I said already, yes I am still alive(barely) and despite my best efforts, I couldn’t get myself together to write about the loss of my dad. As I have mentioned somewhere above already, though I haven’t cried at all, haven’t spoken much about my dad and what are my thoughts/feelings hidden in my heart, that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to, I really do but I can’t since I am the eldest person in my family after my mom and elders have no right to show weakness, to show that they have a heart too which does feels pain and eyes which can have tears. Heck, I hate so much being an elder because that’s what is expected from any elder child i.e. to show greatness, strength , for all around him. But as much as this is true than an elder has to show himself as a strong person who is unaffected by everything that happens around him, this is also a very strong fact no matter how strong you may call yourself, at times, heart just pains so much and that time, all you want is a hug and a chance to cry your heart out, both the options are not with me at the moment! So all I shall do that will wash my face and be on the bed making mom and sis believe that I have slept , something which I don’t remember when I did last time properly and I don’t know when I shall get it ever without any issues/pains/problems.