Sunday, April 22, 2012

Dad, I Am Missing You So Much….

At times, no matter how hard you try to portray yourself strong, you shatter at some fine point. That’s the same which happened with me about 3-4 days ago when I attended a function with my mom.

In case you don’t know, last year in October, my dad was taken away by God to him. I wrote whatever I could in this post about it. If you would spend time reading the entire post and/or if you know me beyond web, you would know or at least will have an idea that I tried to stay as strong as possible, to even an extent that I am sure some must be wondering that what’s wrong with this guy but there wasn’t anything else that I could afford to do to save my mom and sister. The only hope and strength for them left is me and being that, the last thing I can do is to make them see that I am sad, crying, feeling so scared going out in this world all alone now without my dad watching me. I have tried my best to put a strong face or I can even say, a stone-alike face and trying my best to carry all the responsibilities well which previously my dad used to take care of. Yes, its tough and I have no idea how well I am doing anything but I am trying, am trying really hard! Though I have tried my best to hide my emotions, in that function, for a moment, I couldn’t do so.

My mom can’t sit for a long time now on the floor. She starts feeling uneasy and because of her blood pressure issues and even more than that, her enlarged heart, which works only at 28% strength, her condition becomes very bad in a very short time. The same happened on that night too when she was sitting on the floor for some time but then she started feeling restless, got headache and was feeling like puking any time. Nothing  was new and I knew it may happen anytime. So after giving her a Disprin, I brought her downstairs and made her lay down on the bed. She took another medicine for vomits too. I was sitting besides her for about 20 minutes when she told me that she is feeling okay now and I should go back upstairs and attend the function. It wasn’t exactly a function but a ceremony in which prayers were done. For the folks of Indian origin, it was a Jagrata and that’s the reason, sitting on the floor was a must! Since mom was now downstairs in the room, I was sitting all alone now in a corner on the rooftop. Yes, there were many other people present as well and I knew most of them too but there came a moment, when most of the males shifted to the opposite side from the spot where we were all sitting initially because of insects flying around. Some how, I didn’t feel like moving from the place and just sat there only. What I saw was that all the guys were there with their dads. I could see that how all of them were getting affection, care from their fathers. There was a small tea break and I saw that a guy’s father specially called the person who was serving the tea to get one cup for his son. Seeing all of this just tore me apart. I wasn’t jealous from the other guys who were fortunate that their fathers were there with them but I was just thinking so many things. I was thinking that now, I am just sitting all alone here, with no one but myself to take care of me and of my mom. There is no one who for me would call some one and say, hey get this for my son too. If I want something, I have to go and get it myself because my dad is not there to call someone for me. A guy was sitting in a relaxed posture with his back resting comfortably over the warm body of his father and I was sitting with my back resting against this cold brick wall. I don’t know how it would sound to those who take me as a very mature, sensible and responsible guy, to which a large extent I at least try to be too, but I felt so scared, so alone at that time, in that short moment. I had tears in my eyes which I very quickly wiped off before anyone could see and would have asked the reasons for it because for me, its better not to show the tears than to explain the reason behind them. I was still sitting there only and grabbed a cup of tea for me too. Though I am sure no one had seen that look on my face and could guess but I missed my dad so much at that time and so wished that he would be there at that time with me, with my mom, my sister. Yes, I am capable enough( I think) to handle everything, any situation and I am trying to handle everything too as well but there is nothing that can even come closer to express this that how strong one feels when you have your dad sitting beside you, sitting back at home when you are out working ,to give you a hug and to say that don’t worry son, I am there! Trust me, nothing can make you feel stronger than that!

Dad, I know you are there some where watching me and mom and Gunjan and Vikram too. I haven’t said to anyone but just telling you that I am missing you so much, so very very much! Mom cries almost all the time and I try my best to make her calm. I don’t cry at all! I try not to talk about you, not to mention you in anything so that she won’t cry, I am so sorry! I am trying to take care of everything, in the best possible ways I can but you know dad, I feel so scared, I really do but I don’t say it to anyone and I won’t do too! I so wish that you were here, right now with us! I just so wish that you were here with me right now!

9 Comments:

Anonymous Firdaus said...

Hi Aman :)
You're rite dat no matter hw hard v try to put on a strong face v do move to tears at sum point or d other n it has happened to me as well. It's true that concealing tears seems convenient than giving out reason for breaking down as one feels exposed n explaining reason bcums tough for a strong prsn. I would jst like to say dat be strong...forever n always!

April 22, 2012 12:45 PM  
Anonymous Firdaus said...

And your post moved me to tears..

April 22, 2012 12:48 PM  
Blogger Kritika said...

the best part about people who write is that they can find support in the innumerable eyes that read their words...
you might not get a feedback always....
but every person who read this would have said... Good job bro.... May God Bless you and be with you.... always....

April 23, 2012 11:44 PM  
Blogger Aman Sharma said...

Firdaus,

I am strong, rather very strong and trust me when I say this, its very tough to guess from my face that I am sad or upset but still, all said and done, am still a human and at times, like all other, I crack too. That's what happened on that night. If you have read the post linked in this post, you would know, I had put up my strongest face when I came back home after hearing the news of my dad's death. That moment, those days, ask anyone around here, I didn't even say a word and acted strong. But as I said, at times, you lose the control, at times, its just so hard to behave strongly even with your best efforts.

Aman....

April 24, 2012 7:48 AM  
Blogger Aman Sharma said...

Kritika,

Thanks a bunch! I am not much of a person who would talk about my problems with anyone. I do but its going to be based on lots of things. In general, I would love to listen to other's problems and solve them as much as I can rather than looking for someone's shoulder to cry upon. But at times, its must to speak a little, let a little come out from your chest. On that night, a lot came into my mind, just like the day when I flew from Banglore, Mumbai ,Chandigarh and finally to Ludhiana. I cried all the time while being in flights , in the cab but didn't do it at all when I reached at home. On that night of Jagrata, I somehow felt again the same kind of fear which crawled over me when I heard that my dad passed away. I can't say it enough but even being a 31 year old, I was shivering so much in my hotel room, was feeling like a 4-5 year old kid who is suddenly finding himself all alone in a big crowd of people. So wrote this post.

Thanks so much sis for the kind words and support, it means so much, I mean it!

Aman....

April 24, 2012 7:54 AM  
Blogger Soumika Mukherjee said...

Aman,
about the write-up, everyone has said...so I won't say anything about that...all your post are great.

The thing I want to tell you is, don't worry about how well you are managing all these...trust me you are doing just great and you'll be just fine ...and your dad is proud of you...and so is your family...I am sure :)

Soumika ..

April 24, 2012 8:22 PM  
Blogger Aman Sharma said...

Soumika,

Thanks so much for the kind words, trust me I truly appreciate it! I don't know that how good I TBH. Trust me, I have done my share of mistakes , a lot of them and whenever I recall those, I really don't see me so good! I can't mention anything here but still, hope someday, I shall be able to do something really good for my family (which has just my mom and sister now) because let that god be the witness, they mean to me more than I can even say and express!

Aman....

April 26, 2012 10:05 AM  
Anonymous Tulip said...

Hi Aman,
I was looking for some soulful song I knew a word from 'jindari' and Google led me to your blog, that's when I started skimming through your posts. This post moved me to tears. I lost my dad too and feel your feel. I know how exactly it feels to lose your dad and to try to stay strong for yourself for your sibs. But there always is that time when it's hard to take it anymore. I usually don't speak my problems/pain out for i don't feel comfortable But when it comes to my dad, I sometimes feel the need of crying it all out to someone but then that someone is always me sitting alone, writing a blog, talking it out to starry night and all.
Be strong Aman. Allah bless you and your family.
Love and blessings.

May 10, 2012 10:09 AM  
Blogger Aman Sharma said...

Tulip,

Thanks a bunch for the comment and also, sharing your feelings too. I am so sorry to hear about your dad and I guess, I can say it with full confidence that I also know what you are trying to say. Yes, at times, tears seem to be the only thing you have with to bear the pain but let me tell you a small secret, being a guy, even that doesn't come easily. Many times, I just wanted to burst into tears but can't because if I shall do so, its going to make a lot of other people sad and those people means to me more than myself. So all I do most of the times is to put a smiling and brave face knowing truly that 8/10 times, behind that brave face, a scared guy is there who is missing his dad's presence in every moment!

Thank you once again for stopping by here Tulip.

Aman....

May 10, 2012 10:15 AM  

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