Dad, I Am Missing You So Much….
At times, no matter how hard you try to portray yourself strong, you shatter at some fine point. That’s the same which happened with me about 3-4 days ago when I attended a function with my mom.
In case you don’t know, last year in October, my dad was taken away by God to him. I wrote whatever I could in this post about it. If you would spend time reading the entire post and/or if you know me beyond web, you would know or at least will have an idea that I tried to stay as strong as possible, to even an extent that I am sure some must be wondering that what’s wrong with this guy but there wasn’t anything else that I could afford to do to save my mom and sister. The only hope and strength for them left is me and being that, the last thing I can do is to make them see that I am sad, crying, feeling so scared going out in this world all alone now without my dad watching me. I have tried my best to put a strong face or I can even say, a stone-alike face and trying my best to carry all the responsibilities well which previously my dad used to take care of. Yes, its tough and I have no idea how well I am doing anything but I am trying, am trying really hard! Though I have tried my best to hide my emotions, in that function, for a moment, I couldn’t do so.
My mom can’t sit for a long time now on the floor. She starts feeling uneasy and because of her blood pressure issues and even more than that, her enlarged heart, which works only at 28% strength, her condition becomes very bad in a very short time. The same happened on that night too when she was sitting on the floor for some time but then she started feeling restless, got headache and was feeling like puking any time. Nothing was new and I knew it may happen anytime. So after giving her a Disprin, I brought her downstairs and made her lay down on the bed. She took another medicine for vomits too. I was sitting besides her for about 20 minutes when she told me that she is feeling okay now and I should go back upstairs and attend the function. It wasn’t exactly a function but a ceremony in which prayers were done. For the folks of Indian origin, it was a Jagrata and that’s the reason, sitting on the floor was a must! Since mom was now downstairs in the room, I was sitting all alone now in a corner on the rooftop. Yes, there were many other people present as well and I knew most of them too but there came a moment, when most of the males shifted to the opposite side from the spot where we were all sitting initially because of insects flying around. Some how, I didn’t feel like moving from the place and just sat there only. What I saw was that all the guys were there with their dads. I could see that how all of them were getting affection, care from their fathers. There was a small tea break and I saw that a guy’s father specially called the person who was serving the tea to get one cup for his son. Seeing all of this just tore me apart. I wasn’t jealous from the other guys who were fortunate that their fathers were there with them but I was just thinking so many things. I was thinking that now, I am just sitting all alone here, with no one but myself to take care of me and of my mom. There is no one who for me would call some one and say, hey get this for my son too. If I want something, I have to go and get it myself because my dad is not there to call someone for me. A guy was sitting in a relaxed posture with his back resting comfortably over the warm body of his father and I was sitting with my back resting against this cold brick wall. I don’t know how it would sound to those who take me as a very mature, sensible and responsible guy, to which a large extent I at least try to be too, but I felt so scared, so alone at that time, in that short moment. I had tears in my eyes which I very quickly wiped off before anyone could see and would have asked the reasons for it because for me, its better not to show the tears than to explain the reason behind them. I was still sitting there only and grabbed a cup of tea for me too. Though I am sure no one had seen that look on my face and could guess but I missed my dad so much at that time and so wished that he would be there at that time with me, with my mom, my sister. Yes, I am capable enough( I think) to handle everything, any situation and I am trying to handle everything too as well but there is nothing that can even come closer to express this that how strong one feels when you have your dad sitting beside you, sitting back at home when you are out working ,to give you a hug and to say that don’t worry son, I am there! Trust me, nothing can make you feel stronger than that!
Dad, I know you are there some where watching me and mom and Gunjan and Vikram too. I haven’t said to anyone but just telling you that I am missing you so much, so very very much! Mom cries almost all the time and I try my best to make her calm. I don’t cry at all! I try not to talk about you, not to mention you in anything so that she won’t cry, I am so sorry! I am trying to take care of everything, in the best possible ways I can but you know dad, I feel so scared, I really do but I don’t say it to anyone and I won’t do too! I so wish that you were here, right now with us! I just so wish that you were here with me right now!