Its So Tough….
I am sitting here in front of the system from more than an hour now. All I have done so far is to write about 3-4 lines and then deleted them and rewrote them again, that’s all! Somehow, am just not able to do two things, one, find the right words to put across and second, stop the tears which just start dropping, at the start of the first sentence even and I can’t cry, haven’t at all even when I want to so very very much, still didn’t cry at all! Reason? Because I am at home right now and I can’t make the conditions more worse than what they are right now with me showing tears in my eyes. I promised myself that I won’t cry just for this very reason only and that God(if he is there anywhere in real, some thing which I really doubt about now) is my witness if none else that I truly didn’t and neither have talked/shared with anyone what is going on in my mind and heart and how much upset, sad and broken I am feeling, even haven’t said this that just give me shoulder to rest my head and let me cry! If I shall have tears in these eyes, I shall do it only when I am going to be all alone and won’t be at home, doesn’t matter how I so I wish to do it!
I am in a completely messed up health state right now but still, I have to start travel tonight itself for an overseas location which coincidently, is equally messed up due to the fury of the nature, Thailand! This is going to be my first travel to overseas after….damn it, I can’t even make myself write it! My schedules were cancelled but because a colleague, who was originally scheduled to go but couldn’t make it because of some document issues, I was asked to take over and I had to say yes. I am, for the first ever time,really not willing to go and not because that I am scared of the flood situation but because of the condition at home. But I still have to so all I need to do now is to gather myself, get ready and pray that all goes and remains fine. And about the reason of my silence and not mentioning the reason of this state of mine, as I said, I am trying to put it in words but I couldn’t do so far and the biggest reason of it, as I have already mentioned- that even just the start of it makes my eyes wet and I can’t let it happen, at least while being at home. I shall be writing about it soon or whenever I am going to be in travel like I shall be from tomorrow. Its so tough and I really don’t know what (and how) I shall say anything?